My dad is the best texter in the universe. It’s an undisputed fact. What? You need proof? Alright, alright…

Some of my father’s choice texts to me:

“How are things as the Mayor of Dilltopia?”

I fired back: “You should know; since you’re the President of Dill-Country.”

And then he was all like, “You’re the god we pray to in the Dilliverse. Supreme creator of all things dill.”


“I screamed DILL and no one answered and I knew you weren’t there and it made me sad.”

Another: “I’m making my own movie called “Chey’s Dad, 1 cup,” We are going to be famous.”  — That’s after I told him about ‘2 girls, 1 cup.’

To notify me that my glasses were ready from the doctor: “Your quadfocals came in.”

Me: Yay!

Dad: That’s right, cheer for me for I am the greatest father this universe has ever seen and you should feel blessed that a mere dill like you were born into my mighty realm.

Me: Right… Anyway I’m glad my glasses are here. Did I tell you how much trouble I was having playing Silent Hill?

Dad: Yes, I chuckled to myself and whispered, ‘Dills have such hard lives’.

SMH. Fathers.