A Night in the Life of the Lonely. Sunday, Sep 12 2010 

WARNING: This is an “adult” blog post, meaning adult topics are tackled and adult pictures are shown.

Very adult pictures.

I’m not saying you have to be an adult to look at ’em, but make sure that no one who will judge you is looking over your shoulder.

Enjoy.

~

So it’s 8 PM and you’re sitting in your studio apartment and you’re feeling antsy.

Although, others would just call it horny.

You’ve got a bit of a problem, now. Your internet’s been shut off, and the sexy shows don’t come on until later.

So, you grab your jacket, head out the door, and walk on over to the local

You’ve been before, so you know where to find what you’re looking for.

Ah, aisle 3, home of the blow-up dolls.

God bless them. You’ve never bought one before, but you’re hoping it’ll do the trick for at least tonight.

You remind yourself just low your funds are and head over to the cheaper dolls. Why, here’s one—

EGAD. You shudder on over to the slightly more expensive dolls, deciding it might just be worth it to spend the extra money…

This is not a great start. Not only does this doll look like she’s been beat into next week with the ugly stick, she’s also got awkwardly high genitalia.

But she’s holding a penis pump. So that’s kind of cool.

You continue on, hoping to find something not nearly so erection-killing.

Well now. Look at this box:

‘My Baby Got Back’, eh? You figure it’s safe to assume that this doll must have a large ass. You’re no Sir Mix-A-Lot, but it’ll be a plus.

Let’s see.

Well now. Not only is that ass not huge, it’s not even average. It’s just…

Dissapointing.

Onto the next girl.

My word, is that  a tampon? Damn fetishists.

You look to the next doll, beginning to wonder what sort of monsters purchase these things.

Hm. Honestly, this girl’s sort of lacking in the boob department, comparitively speaking.

Even the ‘Barely Legal’ doll’ is better.

You blandly scroll through the next dolls, mentally making notes on why they’re unacceptable.

Neanderthal-esque.

Curtains don’t match the carpet.

Afflicted with Down’s Syndrome.

OK, fuck this shit. FUCK. THIS SHIT. You stomp your way over to the ‘novelty’ dolls, hoping to just grab something cheap you can pass off as a gag gift to your friends.

Hey, this doesn’t look so bad… You step closer.

Hm… Her nails are oddly realistic…

AND HER EYES ARE FUCKING SOULLESS MAGAZINE CUTOUTS OF REAL EYES.

With a havy heart, you look to the most expensive doll…

… and promptly walk out in search of a hooker.

Hey, What’s this? Saturday, Sep 11 2010 

“She won’t ever get enough, once she gets a little touch/If I had it my way, you know that I’d make her say/Oooohh Oooohhh”

– ‘My First Kiss’ by 3OH!3, feat. Ke$ha.

“I’ll fade away, but I’ll never die.”

– Kudo Kazahaya, from Legal Drug

“I know the pieces fit, ‘Cause I watched them fall away/Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting.”

– ‘Schism’ by Tool.

PowerPoint Sunday, Sep 5 2010 

“PowerPoints? Ew, Chey. You’re making me think of school.”

I apologize for that. Anyway. I think they deserve a blog post.

“What deseves a blog post? And why? Damn your vauge-ness!”

POWERPOINTS, DAMMIT!

I find them to be ridiculously fun. Even when I am made to do them for school. It’s just something about them…

They’re sexo.

Anyway. I’ve got 4 creative (made-for-fun) PowerPoints under my belt, sort of.

1. John Cusack PowerPoint, (dedicated to him; all about him; oh yes).

2. A choose your own adventure PowerPoint game. (Did I just give you a seizure with my nerdiness?) It’s unfinished.

3. Beautiful People PowerPoint— recently completed and my dad approves.

4. A PowerPoint dedicated to my anime obsessions— haven’t even started this one yet…

HURRAY FOR POWERPOINTS!

(If you’d like to see these PowerPoints, send me an e-mail or something. [cheyannemontalvo@gmail.com]).

Fuckin’ Commercials… Friday, Sep 3 2010 

If you watch a decent amount of TV, then maybe you’ve seen these commercials.

Know that I love them.

~

My favorite part has to be the first guy’s horrified “WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?!”

And that blonde girl. All of her.

My dad texted me the other day, quoting the commercial:

Dad: BERRY TO MINT!

Me: Get a hold of yourself!

Dad: Fuck that! BERRY TO MINT, BITCH! I’M GOING OUT OF MY FUCKIN’ MIND!

Me: You shoulda wrote that commercial XD

Dad: Yeah I get the point across

~

Lovin’ the pig’s nonchalant attitude when he gets home. xD

~

Two things:

1. What sort of horrible alcoholic is the guy who offers Sanjay the beer? Is that the universal way to comfort someone who finds out they’re adopted? I think not.

2. Why does the last guy look so disgusted? Here’s what I think was going on in his head:

‘”My parents just told me I was adopted,” said Sanjay. We all looked up at him. “They said… You weren’t born–” I tune Sanjay out, thinking about something that’s been nagging me ever since I met him.

Ted and Jerry rush up to comfort Sanjay, but I just stare out the window, waiting. I will have answers.

Sanjay smiles down at the Newcastle Brown Ale in his hands, and I sense my chance.

“Is that why your curry’s so bad?” I ask him, concealing my rage at eating his shitty curry for years…’

True Talk Friday, Sep 3 2010 

A convo through texts.

~

Stuff you should know: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are actors on the show True Blood.

The title of this blog post suddenly makes sense.

They play the characters Sookie and Bill, (respectively), who are an item.

~

Me: Guess what happened this weekend?

Dad: What

Me: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer got married!

Dad: Who’s that

Me: Bill from True Blood!

Dad: No wonder they be humping like crazy on that show

Me: Lmao. Yeah, they met on the show

Dad: Sounds pervy

Me: Nah man, they official now

Dad: And yet she was texting me all weekend… Someone is a ho -_-

Me: lol! I WISH you would marry Anna Paquin

Dad: Sounds like we are 1 murder away from the perfect family

Me: Who would play Bill, then? You? After he turned Hispanic and gained 100 pounds?

Dad: Really Chey? 100 pounds? You take everything too far

Me: xD I’m just saying, Bill’s pretty lean…

Dad: And I’m pretty fat? You’re such a bastard

~

Everyday with this :)