For starters, I’m aware that there was no post last week. Were you aware that I had no internet? Hmph.


I looove videogames, okay? Even the mediocre ones.

But not the ass ones.

A series of exceptionally good games are the Legacy of Kain games. They involve…


Time travel...

One cool-ass sword...

And whatever the fuck that is.

The games take place in the fictional land of Nosgoth. These are the Pillars of Nogoth:

Sexy, no?

They stretch to the heavens and keep Nosgoth healthy. If someone took an axe to them, a minus wave would spread across the land, and, basically, BAD SHIT WOULD GO DOWN.

To prevent shit like that, each Pillar has a Guardian. The Guardian becomes spritually and mentally linked to their Pillar, and they… You know… Guard it.

Now for some Nosgoth-ian history! Take notes; THERE WILL BE A TEST BITCHES.

(I’m lying).

But anyway, waay back in the day, there were three groups:

  • The Sarafan
  • The Vampires
  • The Hylden

The Sarafan were human priests, who really, really hated the vampires because they thought they were EVIL. The Sarafan hunted a bunch of vampires down and killed them all. A few managed to go into hiding.

The Vampires are exactly that, vampires.

The Hylden are mysterious beings/demon-like things not native to Nosgoth. They’re from another dimension, and they manage to enter Nosgoth through rips in the time-space cloth, basically. Whenever BAD SHIT GOES DOWN, they’re usually around, making things worse.

Because theyre assholes.

That concludes Nosgoth History 101. Return next time to find out the events that go down in the orgasmic first game!

(Just smile and pretend like you care, please).