WARNING: This is an “adult” blog post, meaning adult topics are tackled and adult pictures are shown.
I’m not saying you have to be an adult to look at ‘em, but make sure that no one who will judge you is looking over your shoulder.
I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but guys, I really love looking at sex toys. Scrolling through pages of them. For hours. Just looking into the whole new world that is dildos, vibrators, cockrings, etc… I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?
Now, you may not know this, but when you sift through twenty hundred pages of sex toys, you’re gonna come across some shitty ones. Lots of shitty ones. Things that you don’t want anywhere near your genitals.
But there’s also a lot of ridiculous ones. Things that are more hilarious than hideously awful.
This blog post is dedicated to four of them.
Presenting, in no paticular order…
4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys
4. The Gossip Ring
So, basically, this is a rose shaped cockring. I don’t know why you’d wanna make a cockring shaped like anything other than a ring, but, you know, different strokes for different folks, I guess.
“This stretchy, adorable ring, (along with its removable mini vibrator), provides delightful vibration… and nobody will be the wiser when you wear it out on the town.”
The makers of this toy apparently expect you to go out and wear this shit, (because you apparently have an issue where you need access to a vibrator at all times); which has two big ass buttons that you won’t be able to explain without saying, “Yeah, that’s the off switch and the other one is the on switch. So I can make it vibrate. For my pleasure.”
At which point whoever you’re talking to will make this face:
And if they don’t, then they’re probably making this face:
And I can’t decide which would be worse.
3. him Cream: Leather Scented*
This lube was created for gay men, who are apparently really into the scent of leather. Mmm, cow skin. That just screams sex. him Cream also makes an unscented lube, which I guess they started making when they realized how stupid their first idea was.
(Also, lube should never, ever, be referred to as ‘cream’. Ew).
*Yes, lube is not a sex toy, but sex toys and lube just go together, like peanut butter and jelly. (You are now forever cursed to think of sex toys and lube every time you bite into a PB & J. Mmmm).
2. Sex-A-Peel Vibrator and Forbidden Fruit
As you have surely surmised, it’s a vibrator. Shaped like a banana. Because everyone looks at fruit and thinks, ‘Yes. I need that all up in genitalia right the fuck now.’
But maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. After all, the Sex-A-Peel Vibrator is, (surprisingly), not the only fruit shaped vibrator.
Alright, I’ll be honest. I could see the appeal of a banana shaped vibrator. It’s at least vaguely phallic. But this shit is apple shaped. A fucking little vibrating ball that will be in no way comfortable when you try to use it the way it was intended to be used.
1. Nipple Nibblers**
“Want to make your nipples extra-tasty? Dab on some of this tingly fruit-flavored balm, and you’ll have to tear your sweetie away!” Right. Because nipples are so horrid and disgusting that you have to rub a fucking balm on them that’ll make them sticky and probably taste like medicine to make them more bearable in someone’s mouth.
The product explanation goes on to say, “Cute, tiny, and discreet– no one needs to know that it isn’t lip balm!”
Except for the fact that, you know, IT SAYS ‘NIPPLE NIBBLERS’ ON IT AND HAS A FUCKING NAKED LADY ON THE TUBE. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling?
** Yeah, this is also not a sex toy, but I can’t imagine someone using it outside of the bedroom. (And I don’t want to, either).
Get it together, sex toy industry. I’ve got my eye on you. Stop making shit like this.
And as a side announcement, the blog is yet again going live! Check back every Thursday for super cool weekly updates.