Getting Pierced the Fuck Up– A Long Story. Sunday, Nov 13 2011 

About three hours ago, I got an industrial piercing. For those of you not in the know, an industrial piercing looks like this:

As you may have deduced, an industrial piercing is actually two piercings, with a bar jammed into them. I don’t know what exactly compelled me to want the piercing, besides the fact that I just thought it looked good. That’s enough for me, really.

Now, onto the actual experience, which I just know you all will find extremely riveting.

~

I walked into the tattoo shop behind a woman who I had just watched toss her cigarette out the window.

She's lucky this guy wasn't there to witness that.

“Can I help you?” She asked.

“She’s here to get a piercing,” my father explained, who had accompanied me for the express reason of filming the entire thing and hoping I would cry and throw a big fit.

I knew I certainly wasn’t going to cry, (I’m not a bitch), but I was concerned that at some point I might, you know, get something in my eye and it might flood with eye juices and tear up and stuff like that.

“What kind of piercing do you want?” The woman asked.

“An industrial,” I answered.

She nodded. “Which ear?”

“My right,” I said.

She frowned. “Well, which side do you sleep on?”

“My left,” I lied. “That’s why I chose my right.” In reality, I chose my right ear because I plan to get a tattoo of some sort on the left side of my body, and I’m all about odd symmetry. Also, I prefer to hold my phone up to my left ear.

She nodded. “Okay, which piece do you like?” She asked, holding up a cushion with various barbells stabbed into it. I selected a black barbell, with points at the end.

Kiiiiind of like this, but black.

The woman nodded. “Black titanium. You’re the first to select this type,” she explained, loosening the jewelery from its cushion. I was on the verge of asking why no one else had ever chosen that type, (like, did it cause herpes or something?), but before I knew it, I was whisked off to a black chair.

No one likes herpes, after all.

My dad laughed from his perch ten feet away. “You look tight,” he teased.

“Whatever,” I replied.

The woman turned around to face me. “When was the last time you ate?” She asked.

“Uh… Like three hours ago,” I replied, beginning to feel hungry now that she had brought it up. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you know, if you’re feeling nervous–”

“I’m not gonna throw up,” I interjected with a laugh, seeing where she was heading. “I’m not that nervous. More like excited,” I finished.

“Okay,” she said, brandishing a medieval looking pair of scissors. “Lie on your side.”

“Those don’t even look sharp,” I thought to myself worriedly as the woman scrubbed at my ear and marked the incision points. “Holy shit.”

“The first one’s gonna hurt more than the second,” the woman began. “Because of all the cartilage.”

I nodded. “Alright!”

“Deep breath,” she suggested, stabbing the scissors into my ear.

I shut my eyes tight. My ear began to ache and throb incessantly, but it wasn’t insanely painful.She slid the barbell through the hole and I gasped.

“Woah,” I said, laughing. “What a weird feeling…” Because it was a weird feeling. Like getting a metal bar shoved through a fresh wound in your ear.

“Here we go,” she said, readying the scissors for the next piercing.I shut my eyes and–

“Fuck!” I exclaimed as she stabbed my ear. The second piercing had gone much quicker, but hurt like a motherfucker; way more than the first.

“All done,” the woman said, screwing the ball onto the barbell.

I sat up, surveying my ear in the mirror. It was super red and super sore, but the piercing itself looked pretty good.

~

Three hours later, my ear still hurts, but I love my piercing. I can switch the barbell in two weeks, and I’m already eyeing some new ones:

This one kind of reminds me of a dildo.

This one, too.

But one barbell tops them all…

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!

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Not So Great Things Thursday, Nov 10 2011 

I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures of Cthulhu lately, as semi-research for a story of mine.

To refresh your memory, (or let you know for the first time), Cthulhu is a monster created by H.P. Lovecraft, acclaimed science fiction/strange fiction writer. Cthulhu crashed to Earth from another galaxy in Earth’s antiquity and now lies sleeping underwater in the ancient city of R’yleh.

There’s lots of great art of the terrifying, amphibious monster that is Cthulhu…

And there’s also a lot of not so great art.

~

To be clear, let’s go over what Cthulhu is supposed to look like, as outlined in H. P. Lovecraft’s, ‘The Call of Cthulhu.’

  1. He’s got a, “pulpy, tentacled head;” reminiscent of an octopus.
  2. His body is “scaly.”
  3. He has, “rudimentary wings;” here meaning, not large enough to fly with.
  4. All in all, he looks sort of like, “an octopus… dragon.. human caricature.”
  5. HE’S FUCKING HUGE. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE. If nothing else, one should at least remember that.
  6. Also, lots of people like to make him green. Who knows why.

Here’s an example of an acceptable Cthulhu representation:

And now, here are some examples that are unacceptable:

Well, now. It’s hard to tell what the fuck is even going on here. It’s like… A brain… Attached to a stick… Attached to the body of a skinned ape? Something tells me this not what Lovecraft envisioned.

Also, why is it just strolling through what looks to be the projects?

Cthulhu, you've really let yourself go...

Ignoring the monster’s morbid obesity for a moment…

WHY DOES IT HAVE NIPPLES.

WHY.

Ignore Cthulhu for a moment and direct your attention to everything else going on this picture.

A wizard, (?), the sky falling and opening up, some big ass cliff in the middle of nowhere, and, is that a crown on Cthulhu’s head..? Listen up, artists: it’s a problem when you draw a picture of Cthulhu and he’s not the craziest thing going on in the picture.

(Also, his man boobs are bothering me).

The next two pictures display some common issues with Cthulhu representations.

  

Many of Lovecraft’s monsters make people go insane when they look upon them. In trying to replicate that effect, (not in full, hopefully), these two artists have created monstrosities that can’t even be comprehended. If you saw it in real life, you wouldn’t be scared– you’d be confused as fuck. And that’s not that scary.

Except maybe in Math class.

Here are some more crappy Cthulhu pictures to give you nightmares:

"Um, we said, 'draw Cthulhu,' not a fucking dragon."

Purple Cthulhu loves the ladies...

This is, at the very least, scary in it's own way...

Some Big Ass Statues Wednesday, Nov 2 2011 

Today’s update is both a tad early and longer than a normal post to make up for me missing last week’s update. Enjoy!

~

So, whilst surfing the web, (as I am wont to do), I stumbled upon a list of statues, (listed by height, from largest to smallest), on Wikipedia. I like statues and sculptures and things of that nature, so I figured I’d check it out.

Big mistake.

First off, let’s get this out of the way– these statues are fucking huge.

And by ‘huge,’ I mean, if they came to life, they’d have no problem destroying whole cities and crushing people under their evil statue feet.

And immediately after thinking that thought, I became petrified and convinced that one day, that will happen.

To cheer myself up, I decided to make funny commentary on some of the more… Interesting statues. Let’s see here.

~

St. Francis.

Who thought painting this was a good idea? Did the artist look at a bunch of other statues, see that not one was painted, and go, “Well, this is obviously a travesty that needs to be corrected.”

Because they failed. This statue is ridiculous. St. Francis is rolling over in his grave… With laughter.

The Merlion.

This statue is surprising in that, first, after seeing a bunch of statues of Jesus and the Virgin Marry and Buddha and shit, it’s a little disconcerting to see a statue of a fucking imaginary animal.

And secondly, did it really have to be 121 feet tall? Why would you do that?

A young Mao Zedong.

I think this statue is striking because of the decision to include that hideous chin mole. You’d think the Chinese would just let that thing fade into history, but no. They just had to preserve it for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

Padmasambhava.

AGH WHAT THE FUCK.

Padmasambhava.

See, these are the kind of terrifying statues I was talking about. You might be thinking they’re statues of a vengeful, angry god that has a right to look so scary.

You would be wrong if you were thinking that.

Those statues are of Padmasambhava, who Buddhists at times refer to as, “the second Buddha.” He was practically a Saint… And those wide, soul-searing eyes are representative of a specific type of meditation… You know, the kind where you steal the life energy of those who look upon you.

And now, onto the Jesus section of statues!

I call this one, “Jesus with big hands and no facial hair.”

The pimp-est Jesus statue in all the land.

The two main contenders for the title of “Best Zombie Jesus Statue.” (Send in your votes!)