Today’s update is both a tad early and longer than a normal post to make up for me missing last week’s update. Enjoy!

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So, whilst surfing the web, (as I am wont to do), I stumbled upon a list of statues, (listed by height, from largest to smallest), on Wikipedia. I like statues and sculptures and things of that nature, so I figured I’d check it out.

Big mistake.

First off, let’s get this out of the way– these statues are fucking huge.

And by ‘huge,’ I mean, if they came to life, they’d have no problem destroying whole cities and crushing people under their evil statue feet.

And immediately after thinking that thought, I became petrified and convinced that one day, that will happen.

To cheer myself up, I decided to make funny commentary on some of the more… Interesting statues. Let’s see here.

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St. Francis.

Who thought painting this was a good idea? Did the artist look at a bunch of other statues, see that not one was painted, and go, “Well, this is obviously a travesty that needs to be corrected.”

Because they failed. This statue is ridiculous. St. Francis is rolling over in his grave… With laughter.

The Merlion.

This statue is surprising in that, first, after seeing a bunch of statues of Jesus and the Virgin Marry and Buddha and shit, it’s a little disconcerting to see a statue of a fucking imaginary animal.

And secondly, did it really have to be 121 feet tall? Why would you do that?

A young Mao Zedong.

I think this statue is striking because of the decision to include that hideous chin mole. You’d think the Chinese would just let that thing fade into history, but no. They just had to preserve it for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

Padmasambhava.

AGH WHAT THE FUCK.

Padmasambhava.

See, these are the kind of terrifying statues I was talking about. You might be thinking they’re statues of a vengeful, angry god that has a right to look so scary.

You would be wrong if you were thinking that.

Those statues are of Padmasambhava, who Buddhists at times refer to as, “the second Buddha.” He was practically a Saint… And those wide, soul-searing eyes are representative of a specific type of meditation… You know, the kind where you steal the life energy of those who look upon you.

And now, onto the Jesus section of statues!

I call this one, “Jesus with big hands and no facial hair.”

The pimp-est Jesus statue in all the land.

The two main contenders for the title of “Best Zombie Jesus Statue.” (Send in your votes!)

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