How To Make My Job Harder Thursday, Feb 9 2012 

For two weeks now I’ve been working as a part-time field promoter for various spas. My job entails the following three things:

– House to house distribution (Basically I leave coupons and shit in front of, [or inside of], people’s houses).

– Store to store distribution (I ask store owners if I can leave some coupons inside the store where customers will see it).

– Flyer distribution (I hand the coupons out to random people on the street).

The one that probably affects you, the average human being, the most, is house to house distribution. I work at the same time you work or go to school, so chances are you won’t be home to stop me from leaving you coupons for a  discounted massage or a free body wax.

What a deal.

However, if the thought of saving money on such luxuries turns your stomach, there are ways you can thwart me while away from home, and I’ve taken the time to list them for you below.

1. Purchase a ‘No Advertisements’ sign

Like this.

Before I worked as a field promoter, I used to shake my head and laugh at these signs. They were always ignored, and for good reason: it’s just a sign– not exactly the most threatening thing in the world.

No, that would be Semi Precious Weapons, according to Google Images.

But take notice, these signs do mean business. In fact, if I were to leave advertisements at a house with such a sign, they would have grounds to fine the companies I work for. Probably not for billions and billions of dollars, but you know, enough for to make them want to fire me.

2. Seal your door shut

The most common maneuver to leave coupons at people’s houses is to jam the coupon in the small space between the door and the door frame.

No door is safe.

Failing that, I will jam it in between the door and the floor. Most of the time, there’s plenty of room to shove some shit in there and keep it movin’ to the next house.

However, if you were to, let’s say, jam the bodies of dead cats into the crevices around the door, well I’d be shit out of luck and would probably just call the police.

3. Buy a gate

One of the worst parts of my job is having to open people’s gates to get to their porch, (which is where I have to leave the coupons). Most people’s gates are loud and creepy, and some of them are so confusing that I just end up skipping the house.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to surround your house with a fake gate that does not open. Use a tunnel that opens up into your backyard to get in and out of the house.

 

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Tiptoeing Towards Legitimacy Sunday, Feb 5 2012 

My blog now has categories. A whopping FOURTEEN of ’em.

Now, I know what you’re thinking– “Wow Chey, it must’ve took you hours to go through all your old blog posts and sort them into categories whilst continuously making new ones on the way! Days, even!”

And you’re absolutely right. It took forever. So appreciate them.

The categories are:

Blog Update

Body Mod

Commercials

Conversations

Legacy of Kain

Let’s Make Fun of Things

Lists

Ramblings

Sex Toys

Shitty Movies

Tellin’ A Story

Video Games

Writing

Now, I don’t know if you noticed, but all of those are clickable links that’ll take you to all the posts under that category. So go ahead, take some time and look at some categories that tickle your fancy.  You can also use the new ‘Categories’ drop-down menu to your left for a similar effect. I won’t judge you if all you do is click on is ‘Sex Toys’ and call it a day. I’m not a cop. Do your thing.

The Dark Side of Industrial Piercings Thursday, Feb 2 2012 

One of my last few posts before my hiatus detailed my experience getting an industrial piercing in my right ear. For the most part, it wasn’t so bad. The piercing itself was painful for about two days, and then the pain went away and I was left with a really cool looking piercing that would need some upkeep, but would supposedly bother me no more.

Lies.

Here are a few things you should know if you’re considering getting an industrial piercing. No one told me these things, because, I don’t know, everyone else who has one is an asshole who doesn’t like sharing information with the world like I do.

1. They Take For-Fucking-Ever to Heal

Alright, I’ll admit, I had already known that the industrial piercing took longer than most other piercings to heal. ‘But whatever,’ I thought, ‘I can deal with a longer healing time. It’s in my ear, so it’s no biggie.’

Actually, it’s a huge fucking biggie. Every time I go to clean the damn thing, (which I have to do three times a day), there’s some new crusty mixture of blood and shit that I assume was never meant to see the light of day.

Nope, it's not pie crust, (unfortunately).

The piercing itself also likes to get stuck in the funk, so I can’t even play with the piercing and twirl it around like a baton, which I would like to be able to. For reasons.

Look at how much fun she's having!

2. Everything Will Try To Infect It

When I first got my piercing, I had some vague knowledge of infections. I knew you probably shouldn’t rub dirt on the piercing or let people tongue-fuck it or whatever, but apparently there is a wide range of things trying to poison your piercing and make your ear fall off.

  • Hair
  • Glasses
  • Phones
  • Pillowcases
  • Fucking anything your ear comes in the slightest contact with

The important thing to remember here is that, with the industrial piercing, you’ve got two relatively large, (for things that have been stabbed through your ear), open wounds that are just chilling and taking their sweet, sweet time to heal.

And it’s important to keep that in mind, because, as soon as you get the piercing…

3. It Will Create It’s Own Gravitational Pull

Like this, I guess.

Okay, not really. It’s just a piercing, not a small bar-shaped planet.

But I swear to God, ever since I got my industrial, everyone and their mother is trying to touch it.

Whether they’re patting me on the head, smashing their ear against mine as we hug, trying to run their fingers through my hair, putting my glasses on me, it all ends in excruciating pain. I’ve grown quite accustom to ducking and screaming, “My ear! My ear!” Before anyone even gets within a foot of the piercing. Because like I said, they’re open wounds. If I shot you in the stomach and then tried to jam my finger in there, you’d be less than pleased about it too.

Now, does all this mean that industrial piercings suck ass and you should never get one? Of course not. They’re fucking awesome. Just keep the above information in mind. There are enough surprises in life.

P.S. And if you like tucking your hair behind your ear, you can kiss that goodbye, too!