The Pepsi Conspiracy Thursday, May 24 2012 

Pepsi is pretty much the best soda in the history of ever.

In case you forgot what it looks like.

Now, you may be thinking one of four things:

  1. “Yes, Pepsi is amazing and delicious.”
  2. “COKE IS WAY BETTER!!!”
  3. “Pssh, they both taste the same…”
  4. “Can we get to the conspiracy already?”

But no one cares about you and your thoughts. The real problem here is that, back in the day, it was really easy to get some Pepsi in my belly. Go to the store, buy a bottle, and enjoy.

But no more.

In the past two years, I’ve noticed that the Pepsi bottles have gotten increasingly impossible to open after closing them. And no, it’s not because I’m a weakling, because even my dad has trouble. So there.

And my dad looks like this.

You may not know this, but Pepsi does in fact have a hotline that you can call and use to bitch at them for whatever reason. I decided to take advantage of this fact earlier this month and see what they had to say about my problem.

*

I called the number and then immediately hung up, my phone-conversation-anxiety taking over. After a quick pep talk, (“Come on bitch, if you don’t make this call, you’re gonna have jack shit to write about in your blog post this week.”); I dialed again and waited until an operator answered.

“Hi, I’m [name redacted]. How can I help you today?” [Name redacted]’s voice held the tone of someone who wanted to go home right the fuck now, but still had a few more hours to go in their workday.

“Hi, [name redacted],” I said cheerily, trying to lighten things up. “I’ve been having some trouble lately.” I paused, allowing [name redacted] some time to go, “Oh, really?” or something else that would encourage me to continue. She said nothing.

“I’ve been drinking Pepsi for more than a decade now, but recently I noticed the bottles are getting harder to open. I don’t suppose if you know if the caps or the neck of the bottle have been redesigned lately?”

“Um…” [Name redacted] was stumped. “Actually, we don’t make the bottles ourselves. We buy them from a bottle distributor; they’re the ones who handle the bottles.”

“Oh,” I went. “That makes a lot of sense,” I continued, because it did.

“Well, why don’t you give me the bar code number of the bottles and I can report them for you?” [Name redacted] suggested.

“Yeah, okay,” I said sheepishly. I read the number to her and she asked for my address so she could send me some coupons.

So at least the call wasn’t a complete waste.

I hung up with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was happy to have some coupons, but on the other hand, I hadn’t gotten any answers.

I turned to the internet next, which is probably where I should’ve gone in the first place, because it took me literally four minutes to find the culprit of my bottle woes.

Here it is folks… Are you ready?

Pepsi apparently changed the necks and caps of their bottles in an effort to conserve plastic, which has made them harder to open. Which I guess is better than those new Poland Spring bottles that, while easier to open than the new Pepsi bottles, have a tendency to spill water everywhere as you try to open said bottle. (Or is that just me?)

This is how I open bottles, by the way.

Anyway. The world now has it’s answers. Are you satisfied? Because I’m not. After all… My soda is still hard as fuck to open.

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THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388 Thursday, May 17 2012 

I remember the frenzy that people were sent into when Pottermore first went live and you had to jump through a series of hoops involving having to insert all seven Harry Potter books up your butt and then see which page wouldn’t fit and enter that on the site or something like that.

A lot of people had to stop and go to the hospital around book five.

I remember thinking it was all very cute, and that perhaps I might join one day when you didn’t have to circle every fifth letter of each odd numbered book and unscramble it to make the Latin words for ‘YOU HAVE NO LIFE,’ and enter that into the site and pray for an invitation.

~

That day came like two weeks ago when I was bored and decided to type ‘pottermore’ into my search bar and begin a magical journey.

THUS BEGAN… THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388.

This is me. I don’t have any house points because fuck my house. Also I am a cat.

~

Day 1

The majority of Pottermore is unbearably boring. You wait a few minutes for an interactive picture to load and then you can click around and find treasures such as:

‘Send as gift,’ so that your friends can hate you.

As you can tell, I’m using the word ‘treasure’ very, very loosely. You can also discover some shit that J.K. Rowling wrote exclusively for Pottermore, and enjoy that. And by ‘enjoy,’ I of course mean ‘ignore.’

Eventually I got to do some interesting stuff, like buy shit and get a wand.

Which looks suspiciously like a turd.

I was sorted into a house eventually too. Gryffindor. Poking around the common room, I found that directly underneath the big ‘Gryffindor house,’ there was smaller text, that read: Bravery & Chivalry.

Would it have killed them to capitalize the ‘h’ in ‘house’? IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE.

That’s right, one of my house’s main tenets is sexism. GREAT.

Day 2

After that… Alarming discovery, I ignored Pottermore for like two weeks. But my friends were talking about it so I decided to hop back into the thick of things and start pottermore-ing it up.

I gained three new friends and discovered that you could give them nicknames, which is convenient for when I can’t be bothered to try and remember who the fuck ‘ShinyAirBubble666’ is. I somehow resisted the urge to give all my friends really ridiculous nicknames and just settled for their actual names.

I also found out that you get house points, although I’m not sure how. I briefly considered whoring myself out to other users for points, (and I don’t mean begging, I mean literally whoring). I figured it would definitely spice things up on this site clearly meant for children…

… Yeah, or not. I guess I’ll have to get points the old-fashioned way.

Whatever that is.