Batman vs. Superman Thoughts Sunday, Mar 27 2016 

I just saw Batman vs. Superman and HOLY BUTTCHEEK
I kinda really liked it!
I was prepared to hate it… To sit there in the theater and bask in the assness. But I found myself doing the complete opposite. I took notes throughout the whole movie, because they were so many IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING THAT I WANTED TO REMEMBER.
Now, I’ll say again… Spoilers abound. HUGE fuckin’ spoilers. So please turn away if you haven’t seen BvS yet. (Unless you don’t plan to, which is kind of a mistake).
Now, like I said, I was taking notes on my phone during the movie, and typos and autocorrect made them a bit of a mess.
What I wrote: Why wrentvtheyvputv g the building sooner
What I meant: Why weren’t they out of the building sooner?
Near the beginning of the movie, we see Bruce Wayne calling some dude named Jack in one of his buildings in Metropolis. All the employees are there, just working away, while FUCKING SUPERMAN AND ZOD TEAR UP THE CITY MERE YARDS AWAY
Why are they still there?! Why have they not evacuated? Were they waiting for the okay from Wayne? What kind of slavish devotion is that? Fuck that shit.

What I wrote: Broke a car window but everyone is cool
What I meant: Broke a car window but everyone is cool
At one point during the flashback to Metropolis and the big fight between Superman and Zod, one of them does some sonic boom shit, which blows out the windows of a car, but doesn’t knock anyone over. Okay.

What I wrote: I ship Alfred and batman
What I meant: I ship Alfred and Batman
They were meant for each other! I really don’t understand why they don’t fuck.

What I wrote: I like pec lithos
What I meant: I like Lex Luthor
Lex Luthor definitely grew on me. From the trailers, I was like, “This shit is dumb.” I’m not a fan of Jesse Eisenberg, but you know what. I fucking liked Lex Luthor. I said it.

What I wrote: Rob costume is haunting
What I meant: Robin’s costume is haunting
Holy balls. I know we already saw it in the trailers, but it’s really something, isn’t it?

What I wrote: No security at this library
What I meant: No security at this library
Batman just waltzes downstairs and starts downloading files and shit without a problem. (Mercy does not count as a problem because she does fucking dick to stop him).

What I wrote: Why batman has the most ducked up dreams
What I meant: Why Batman has the most fucked up dreams
Batman’s dreams are a doozy! My reactions to them:
1. Flying up into the bats: Retarded
2. Bat monster coming out the grave: FUCKING TERRIFYING
3. Batman vs. Superman: Fucking weird. There was so much weird shit going on. The Super soldiers, Batman using a gun, THE WORLD IS A DESERT, Superman being a penis, THOSE FUCKING BAT DEMON THINGS and then…

What I wrote: THE FLASH
What I meant: THE FLASH
I will admit, it took me about halfway into this scene to realize who the Flash was. I was like, “Who the fuck– Is that Robin? Why does he look like an asshole? Who is this asshole?” And then I saw the lightning and it all came together and it was amazing.

What I wrote: Lo
What I meant: Lo
If I’m not mistaken, Superman calls Lois Lane, “Lo,” at one point, which is a cute and perfect nickname.

What I wrote: Big ass scar on batman D chest
What I meant: Big ass scar on Batman’s chest?
Batman’s got a big ass scar on the left side of his chest. I wanna know how it got there. It looks gnarly.

What I wrote: Wonder woman, flash, aqua man, cyborg
What I meant: Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman, Cyborg
I wrote this note when they first show the symbols in Lex’s files. I thought it was an Easter egg, so I was excite and feeling proud of myself…

What I wrote: Lemme see that super dong
What I meant: Lemme see that super dong
We see tons of naked General Zod, but zero super dong. That’s an issue.

KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER! This scene was crazy but perfect.

What I wrote: Loud an led lol like brother and sister
What I meant: Lois and Lex look like brother and sister
They really do!

What I wrote: Wise words on god all powerful cannot be all good
What I meant: Wise words on god: Something all powerful can’t be all good, and something all good can’t be all powerful
I just really liked that sentiment. Very compelling, Lex!

What I wrote: Did lex intercept the chicks
What I meant: Did Lex intercept the checks?
This is kind of hilarious. This means that the money was never getting to wheelchair guy, but he was still telling people he worked for Bruce Wayne. Best of all, Bruce Wayne never even saw the rude messages on the checks until the umpteenth hour.

They went in on Superman’s mom! She’s an old fuckin’ lady! Have some respect! Those photos were frightening.

What I wrote: … How did lex find out who he is
What I meant: … How did Lex find out who he is?
How the fuck did Lex Luthor identify Superman? I mean, the obvious answer is that it’s mad obvious who he is; anybody could figure it out.
But if anybody could figure it out… Why hasn’t anyone until Lex? IT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE.

What I wrote: Aqua man looks retarded
What I meant: Aquaman looks retarded
Aquaman’s little video was awful. He should’ve just destroyed the camera real quick instead of acting like he was doing a fucking photo shoot just floating underwater like that.

This shit was so cool! I’m so excite. These scenes would’ve made really awesome stingers, though.

What I wrote: why is nobody evacuating
What I meant: Why is nobody evacuating?!
Again, what’s up with these people and not wanting to go the fuck home while horrible shit is going down?! The employees of the Daily Planet keep peering out the window like, “Wow, the alien ship a few blocks away is really wigging out! Let’s keep working!” Fuuuuck that shit.

What I wrote: You’re not brace. Men are brave
What I meant: You’re not brave. Men are brave.
A nice bit of dialogue from Batman to Superman.

What I wrote: I’m not sure their friendship can come back from this
What I meant: I’m not sure their friendship can come back from this
Batman was really fucking Superman up. I really don’t think I could be friends with someone who beat me like that.

I swear I never realized this before.

What I wrote: Every time we say goodbye you die a little
What I meant: Every time we say goodbye you die a little
The henchman about to burn Martha Kent was saying this to her, (or something like this), before Batman burst in and interrupted. What the fuck did he mean? Was he just dropping some impromptu poetry on his captive audience?

What I wrote: Why just leaf that spear here
What I meant: Why just leave that spear there?

What I wrote: Doomsday holy shit
What I meant: Doomsday holy shit
At this point of the movie, I had completely forgotten Doomsday was supposed to be in it. So that was a fun little surprise.

What I wrote: He looks like the troll from lotr
What I meant: He looks like the troll from LOTR
… Even if Doomsday looked the troll from the Lord of the Rings.

What I wrote: ROAST IT
What I meant: ROAST IT
When fighting Doomsday, the first thing Superman does is start punching him. If I was Superman, my very first move would be to break out the eye beams, but he doesn’t even try that until deep into the fight :/

What I wrote: Second form is cool
What I meant: Second form is cool
When Doomsday starts peeling off his skin and looks more like he does in the comics… That was pretty cool.

What I wrote: Batman is so human I love I
What I meant: Batman is so human I love it
Seeing Batman run around the final battlefield completely out of his element was pretty great. It’s nice to be reminded that he’s not really a ‘superhero.’ Or a, ‘metahuman.’ #Whatever.

What I wrote: WW kicking the most ass of anybody
What I meant: Wonder Woman is kicking the most ass of anybody
Wonder Woman kicked a lot of ass in that final battle! They really should’ve gave her the spear and let her handle shit. She was obviously capable.

What I wrote: IMPALED jfc
What I meant: IMPALED jfc
Superman really caught it! Ouch.

What I wrote: How excavator did they gaggle the two funerals
What I meant: How exactly did they manage two funerals?
I really want to know the logistics of Superman and Clark Kent’s funerals. He was buried in Kansas, but… The government was just cool with not having a body? Did they think he just dissolved? I dunno, man.

What I wrote: Thus birch has the pest hairdos
What I meant: This bitch has the worst hairdos
When not in her Wonder Woman outfit, Wonder Woman has some really awful hairdos. Diana Prince needs a new hairstylist.

What I wrote: Darks rid??
What I meant: Darkseid??
This movie is building up to Darkseid? Ignoring for a moment the fact that I think that character is ass, how many big blue/grey super powerful villains can we have in these damn superhero movies?

Complaints aside, I really freaking enjoyed this movie. It’s a great time to be alive.

P.S. Patrick Wilson played the President! (In a voice over role). I love Patrick Wilson!

Typical Classroom Assholes Friday, Oct 4 2013 

Every classroom has at least one asshole in it, but there are probably several. Some assholes are insidious– you never quite figure out that they’re an asshole, because they keep it to themselves during class, and then go home and set their family on fire and shit like that.

That would be an assholish thing to do, right?

That would be an assholish thing to do, right?

But some classroom assholes are easy to spot. These assholes seem to think it is their job to make it known to the world that they are an annoying asshole; as if they get paid every time someone fantasizes about ripping out their eyeballs and shoving them down their throat. While these people are horrible human beings, they can also be easily categorized. Here are two of my least favorite classroom assholes.

1. The Story Teller

It can be nice to hear from your classmates every once in awhile. Odds are your teacher speaks in a soul crushing monotone, or at least it sounds that way to your boredom-numbed mind.

"You call it Calculus, I call it nap time."

“You call it Calculus, I call it nap time.”

However, there is one classmate whose open mouth signals an oncoming nightmare. This classmate is the Storyteller, and for every sentence your teacher gets out, the Storyteller has a long, ass, boring story that they just HAVE to share with everyone.

The Storyteller at work:

Teacher: In conclusion, 2+2=4.

Storyteller: That’s just like this one time my family and I were going on a road trip to Ohio; we were gonna go to Washington but then we found out how bad the weather was gonna be that week, so we settled on Ohio, instead. It was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. My other brother was going to come but he died of cancer the week before. Lung cancer. He was in the hospital for like a year before he finally passed on. But anyway, we were going to Ohio to spread his ashes. Which I thought was kind of gross because why do people even do that? Just spread ashes everywhere? It doesn’t make any sense to me but it said in his will that he wanted us to do that. I think I read about that sort of thing in a book one time. Like why people spread their ashes. But I don’t remember what else the book was about or what it said about it. So we went to Ohio and my mom and dad sat in the front, and my brother and I sat in the back, just like the equation!

Everyone else in the classroom: SHUT THE FUCK UP

2. The “What If”-er

The What-If-er is the Storyteller’s equally assholish cousin. Instead of telling stupid stories no one wants to hear, the What If-er asks the most asinine questions that have no bearing on anybody’s life ever, dooming the teacher to blankly stare at them and try their best not to curse them out for asking such a stupid fucking question. The What If-er’s motto is, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” except whoever first said that wasn’t thinking of the What If-er’s. Because they are assholes.

The What If-er at work:

Teacher: In conclusion, 2+2=4.

What If-er: But what if 2 really equaled 6 all this time and nobody knew because a few ancient texts got translated wrong?

"I'm not paid enough to put up with your bullshit."

“I’m not paid enough to put up with your bullshit.”

Keep an eye out for these assholes in one of your next classes!

Searching… Thursday, Sep 19 2013 

Something that’s always interested me about tracking the statistics of websites, (YEAH, RIVETING STUFF), is getting to look at the search terms people put into various search engines that eventually lead them to your site. The reason why they interest me, well, I’ve decided to list a few of the more ‘interesting’ search terms that lead people to this blog below. Investigate for yourself.

‘megan is missing barrel of death’

‘dracula gay fuck’

‘industrial piercing fuck you’

‘purple vibrator dog-shape’

‘does the industrial piercing hurt if you twirl baton’

‘rape dungeon contractor’

‘a hobo eating shit’

‘shit shaped dildo’

‘herpes feet’

‘neanderthal erection’


That One Time I Gave Myself Chemical Burns Trying to Remove the Hair From my Body Thursday, Sep 5 2013 

So, even though


we are all, at times, compelled to remove hair from our collective bodies. Whether you’re trimming an unsightly and/or unruly beard, or trying to tame the wild hair that covers your arms in a sweater-like fashion, you are not alone in this practice.

You’re also not alone if you like to wallow in your body hair, convinced that, if it wasn’t meant to be there, GOD WOULDN’T HAVE PUT IT THERE.

I tend to lean towards that side, but a few weeks ago, I too was compelled to rip every single hair out of my legs. And by compelled, I mean, my dad was like, “Hey Bigfoot, we’re in the razor aisle, want to get on that shit?” (I might be paraphrasing).


By “shit,” he meant “razors.”

“Enh,” I replied. I honestly hadn’t touched my leg hair in like a year, (MAYBE MORE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!), and while the hair wasn’t as impressive as I had thought it would get, (I was expecting, like, a majestic mane to run my fingers through and it was really more like a patchy one centimeter mess), I still didn’t miss bending over in my dark shower and cutting myself for like an hour while the hot water ran out.

I told my dad as much and he was like, “Why not get Veet or something like that?”

This. This is Veet.

This. This is Veet.

Veet is a cream that you put on your body, and, after a few minutes, scrape away. During the aforementioned minutes, some crazy science shit goes down that makes the hair fall out. Quick, relatively simple, and, (supposedly), painless. I had tried it when I was younger and I seemed to recall it working pretty well.

So it was settled.


Later that night, I prepared for my shower and grabbed the Veet, slathering it on my legs. The bottle said to leave it on for ten minutes, or like twelve if you had some seriously heinous hair issues.

I finished the first leg, even though I couldn’t help but wonder if I was putting on too much or too little. Besides that, things appeared to be fine. Until I started on my other leg.

As soon as I applied the cream, I knew there was something wrong. The burning sensation in my leg was a pretty big hint, but I was already this far into it– I couldn’t have one hairless leg! I WOULD LOOK FOOLISH! So I persisted. And the burning got worse.

It felt a lot like how this looks.

It felt a lot like how this looks.

I did my best to ignore it. I’m a toughie. But I couldn’t help the nonstop fantasies of tearing away my red, charred flesh as I tried to scrape the hair off. Finally, I gave in and began to scrape the cream away, praying that I wouldn’t end up in the emergency room.


The hair didn’t even come off! (Well, some of it did, but not all of it). I endured that burning for nothing! And the cream left a weird icky residue that felt like somebody rubbed smashed roaches all over my legs. Total bust. Fuck you, Veet. Fuck you.

Also now I have a big bottle of Veet and no idea what to do with it.

THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388 Thursday, May 17 2012 

I remember the frenzy that people were sent into when Pottermore first went live and you had to jump through a series of hoops involving having to insert all seven Harry Potter books up your butt and then see which page wouldn’t fit and enter that on the site or something like that.

A lot of people had to stop and go to the hospital around book five.

I remember thinking it was all very cute, and that perhaps I might join one day when you didn’t have to circle every fifth letter of each odd numbered book and unscramble it to make the Latin words for ‘YOU HAVE NO LIFE,’ and enter that into the site and pray for an invitation.


That day came like two weeks ago when I was bored and decided to type ‘pottermore’ into my search bar and begin a magical journey.


This is me. I don’t have any house points because fuck my house. Also I am a cat.


Day 1

The majority of Pottermore is unbearably boring. You wait a few minutes for an interactive picture to load and then you can click around and find treasures such as:

‘Send as gift,’ so that your friends can hate you.

As you can tell, I’m using the word ‘treasure’ very, very loosely. You can also discover some shit that J.K. Rowling wrote exclusively for Pottermore, and enjoy that. And by ‘enjoy,’ I of course mean ‘ignore.’

Eventually I got to do some interesting stuff, like buy shit and get a wand.

Which looks suspiciously like a turd.

I was sorted into a house eventually too. Gryffindor. Poking around the common room, I found that directly underneath the big ‘Gryffindor house,’ there was smaller text, that read: Bravery & Chivalry.

Would it have killed them to capitalize the ‘h’ in ‘house’? IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE.

That’s right, one of my house’s main tenets is sexism. GREAT.

Day 2

After that… Alarming discovery, I ignored Pottermore for like two weeks. But my friends were talking about it so I decided to hop back into the thick of things and start pottermore-ing it up.

I gained three new friends and discovered that you could give them nicknames, which is convenient for when I can’t be bothered to try and remember who the fuck ‘ShinyAirBubble666’ is. I somehow resisted the urge to give all my friends really ridiculous nicknames and just settled for their actual names.

I also found out that you get house points, although I’m not sure how. I briefly considered whoring myself out to other users for points, (and I don’t mean begging, I mean literally whoring). I figured it would definitely spice things up on this site clearly meant for children…

… Yeah, or not. I guess I’ll have to get points the old-fashioned way.

Whatever that is.

Shitty Movies: Megan Is Missing Thursday, Jan 26 2012 

My sweet two month hiatus was very nice and I hope you all didn’t miss me too much. Now, onto the blog!


(Shitty Movies is a new series where I take a shitty movie that I’ve seen and break it down for you. This week, we have…)

Megan Is Missing

Megan Is Missing centers around two best friends: Megan and Amy.

Megan is the smiley one, and Amy is... The other one.

They’re 14 and 13 respectively at the beginning of the movie, which starts out slow. The first twenty minutes are pretty much dedicated to convincing you that Amy is the hugest loser in the fucking world, and Megan is the hugest slut. They go to a party and Megan blows a dude so Amy can get in and blah blah blah why is nothing interesting happening yet? They also spend a ridiculous amount of time video-chatting on their phones.

Just because.

After all that party bullshit, Megan starts talking to a boy named Josh, whom she meets in a cam chat room. His camera is “busted,” so their chats end up pretty one-sided, with Megan only able to hear Josh, who is of course, a super shady creeper. He invites Megan to meet him behind a diner, and then she is never seen again. Alive, anyway.

Megan getting abducted by Josh.

Let’s ignore the stupidity of meeting someone in real life who you haven’t even known for more than a couple of days and let’s focus instead on where they meet up. Behind a diner. I wouldn’t meet up with my best friend behind a diner, because the area behind a diner is 1. a fucking creepy spot, and 2. a pretty fucking useless spot to meet up at unless you’re actually going to the diner.

But anyway. Amy is obviously concerned about her best friend, and lets the police know that Megan was talking to some dude named Josh online right before she went missing.

Josh gets pissed and cam chats with Amy, telling her to shut up or something bad will happen to her too. He also lets her know that he’s been watching her.

Instead of calling the police or cowering in fear, Amy makes this face:

And decides that hanging out under creepy traffic bridges, (that she also mentions are prone to flooding), is the right thing to do in this situation.

While filming her video diary under one of these scenic bridges, Josh abducts her, and once more, this film takes a turn for the retarded.

Josh just so happens to have access to a rape dungeon, (I’m serious), so that’s where he keeps Amy, and, as we come to find out, Megan as well.

Amy in the aforementioned rape dungeon.

Let’s talk about this for a second.

How many people do you know have a rape dungeon built into their basement?

And I’m not even talking about a rudimentary ‘dungeon’ cobbled together with some drywall and creative curtain placement; this guy’s dungeon has stone rooms built into it that lock from the outside and have shackles inside of them and everything. This couldn’t have been a summer project on this guy’s part; this is a fucking professional dungeon he has here. You’d have to hire contractors to get a dungeon of that quality.

But how the fuck do you explain this to a contractor? Take a moment and try to think about how you would convince a contractor to help you build a rape dungeon in your basement. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

But anyway. Josh locks Amy in his dungeon and makes her eat dog food.

He also rapes her, because, hey, why not.

After this ordeal, Josh decides that he’s had enough of torturing Amy and stuffs her into a barrel, along with Megan’s rotting corpse.

Which looks like this.

He seals the barrel up, drags it outside, and starts to dig.

And dig.

And dig.

And then he digs some more.

Josh digs for a good ten minutes straight, (let me repeat that for you, TEN MINUTES OF DIGGING), while Amy screams and pleads with him from inside the barrel. If that sounds at all scary or interesting in the slightest– trust me, it’s anything but.

Josh finally finishes digging his hole and tosses the barrel inside. He buries it and the movie ends as he stands over the now buried barrel; Amy’s cries just faintly audible.

Yay! What a happy ending. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Purportedly, this movie is supposed to make you think twice about meeting people online. But if you needed to watch a terrible movie to give you some common sense, then you’ve got bigger issues.

Not So Great Things Thursday, Nov 10 2011 

I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures of Cthulhu lately, as semi-research for a story of mine.

To refresh your memory, (or let you know for the first time), Cthulhu is a monster created by H.P. Lovecraft, acclaimed science fiction/strange fiction writer. Cthulhu crashed to Earth from another galaxy in Earth’s antiquity and now lies sleeping underwater in the ancient city of R’yleh.

There’s lots of great art of the terrifying, amphibious monster that is Cthulhu…

And there’s also a lot of not so great art.


To be clear, let’s go over what Cthulhu is supposed to look like, as outlined in H. P. Lovecraft’s, ‘The Call of Cthulhu.’

  1. He’s got a, “pulpy, tentacled head;” reminiscent of an octopus.
  2. His body is “scaly.”
  3. He has, “rudimentary wings;” here meaning, not large enough to fly with.
  4. All in all, he looks sort of like, “an octopus… dragon.. human caricature.”
  5. HE’S FUCKING HUGE. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE. If nothing else, one should at least remember that.
  6. Also, lots of people like to make him green. Who knows why.

Here’s an example of an acceptable Cthulhu representation:

And now, here are some examples that are unacceptable:

Well, now. It’s hard to tell what the fuck is even going on here. It’s like… A brain… Attached to a stick… Attached to the body of a skinned ape? Something tells me this not what Lovecraft envisioned.

Also, why is it just strolling through what looks to be the projects?

Cthulhu, you've really let yourself go...

Ignoring the monster’s morbid obesity for a moment…



Ignore Cthulhu for a moment and direct your attention to everything else going on this picture.

A wizard, (?), the sky falling and opening up, some big ass cliff in the middle of nowhere, and, is that a crown on Cthulhu’s head..? Listen up, artists: it’s a problem when you draw a picture of Cthulhu and he’s not the craziest thing going on in the picture.

(Also, his man boobs are bothering me).

The next two pictures display some common issues with Cthulhu representations.


Many of Lovecraft’s monsters make people go insane when they look upon them. In trying to replicate that effect, (not in full, hopefully), these two artists have created monstrosities that can’t even be comprehended. If you saw it in real life, you wouldn’t be scared– you’d be confused as fuck. And that’s not that scary.

Except maybe in Math class.

Here are some more crappy Cthulhu pictures to give you nightmares:

"Um, we said, 'draw Cthulhu,' not a fucking dragon."

Purple Cthulhu loves the ladies...

This is, at the very least, scary in it's own way...

Some Big Ass Statues Wednesday, Nov 2 2011 

Today’s update is both a tad early and longer than a normal post to make up for me missing last week’s update. Enjoy!


So, whilst surfing the web, (as I am wont to do), I stumbled upon a list of statues, (listed by height, from largest to smallest), on Wikipedia. I like statues and sculptures and things of that nature, so I figured I’d check it out.

Big mistake.

First off, let’s get this out of the way– these statues are fucking huge.

And by ‘huge,’ I mean, if they came to life, they’d have no problem destroying whole cities and crushing people under their evil statue feet.

And immediately after thinking that thought, I became petrified and convinced that one day, that will happen.

To cheer myself up, I decided to make funny commentary on some of the more… Interesting statues. Let’s see here.


St. Francis.

Who thought painting this was a good idea? Did the artist look at a bunch of other statues, see that not one was painted, and go, “Well, this is obviously a travesty that needs to be corrected.”

Because they failed. This statue is ridiculous. St. Francis is rolling over in his grave… With laughter.

The Merlion.

This statue is surprising in that, first, after seeing a bunch of statues of Jesus and the Virgin Marry and Buddha and shit, it’s a little disconcerting to see a statue of a fucking imaginary animal.

And secondly, did it really have to be 121 feet tall? Why would you do that?

A young Mao Zedong.

I think this statue is striking because of the decision to include that hideous chin mole. You’d think the Chinese would just let that thing fade into history, but no. They just had to preserve it for everyone’s viewing pleasure.




See, these are the kind of terrifying statues I was talking about. You might be thinking they’re statues of a vengeful, angry god that has a right to look so scary.

You would be wrong if you were thinking that.

Those statues are of Padmasambhava, who Buddhists at times refer to as, “the second Buddha.” He was practically a Saint… And those wide, soul-searing eyes are representative of a specific type of meditation… You know, the kind where you steal the life energy of those who look upon you.

And now, onto the Jesus section of statues!

I call this one, “Jesus with big hands and no facial hair.”

The pimp-est Jesus statue in all the land.

The two main contenders for the title of “Best Zombie Jesus Statue.” (Send in your votes!)

4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys Saturday, Oct 15 2011 

WARNING: This is an “adult” blog post, meaning adult topics are tackled and adult pictures are shown.

I’m not saying you have to be an adult to look at ‘em, but make sure that no one who will judge you is looking over your shoulder.



I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but guys, I really love looking at sex toys. Scrolling through pages of them. For hours. Just looking into the whole new world that is dildos, vibrators, cockrings, etc… I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?

Now, you may not know this, but when you sift through twenty hundred pages of sex toys, you’re gonna come across some shitty ones. Lots of shitty ones. Things that you don’t want anywhere near your genitals.

But there’s also a lot of ridiculous ones. Things that are more hilarious than hideously awful.

This blog post is dedicated to four of them.

Presenting, in no paticular order…

4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys

4. The Gossip Ring

So, basically, this is a rose shaped cockring. I don’t know why you’d wanna make a cockring shaped like anything other than a ring, but, you know, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Oh, wait.

“This stretchy, adorable ring, (along with its removable mini vibrator), provides delightful vibration… and nobody will be the wiser when you wear it out on the town.”

Oh, yeah. Totally inconspicous.

The makers of this toy apparently expect you to go out and wear this shit, (because you apparently have an issue where you need access to a vibrator at all times); which has two big ass buttons that you won’t be able to explain without saying, “Yeah, that’s the off switch and the other one is the on switch. So I can make it vibrate. For my pleasure.”

At which point whoever you’re talking to will make this face:

And if they don’t, then they’re probably making this face:

Who the fuck draws these faces?

And I can’t decide which would be worse.

3. him Cream: Leather Scented*

Juuuust great.

This lube was created for gay men, who are apparently really into the scent of leather. Mmm, cow skin. That just screams sex. him Cream also makes an unscented lube, which I guess they started making when they realized how stupid their first idea was.

(Also, lube should never, ever, be referred to as ‘cream’. Ew).

*Yes, lube is not a sex toy, but sex toys and lube just go together, like peanut butter and jelly. (You are now forever cursed to think of sex toys and lube every time you bite into a PB & J. Mmmm).

2. Sex-A-Peel Vibrator and Forbidden Fruit

There is nothing sexy about this.

As you have surely surmised, it’s a vibrator. Shaped like a banana. Because everyone looks at fruit and thinks, ‘Yes. I need that all up in genitalia right the fuck now.’

But maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. After all, the Sex-A-Peel Vibrator is, (surprisingly), not the only fruit shaped vibrator.

The Forbidden Fruit vibrator.

Alright, I’ll be honest. I could see the appeal of a banana shaped vibrator. It’s at least vaguely phallic. But this shit is apple shaped. A fucking little vibrating ball that will be in no way comfortable when you try to use it the way it was intended to be used.

1. Nipple Nibblers**

No, 'luscious melon' is not the only flavor it comes in.

“Want to make your nipples extra-tasty? Dab on some of this tingly fruit-flavored balm, and you’ll have to tear your sweetie away!” Right. Because nipples are so horrid and disgusting that you have to rub a fucking balm on them that’ll make them sticky and probably taste like medicine to make them more bearable in someone’s mouth.

The product explanation goes on to say, “Cute, tiny, and discreet– no one needs to know that it isn’t lip balm!”

Except for the fact that, you know, IT SAYS ‘NIPPLE NIBBLERS’ ON IT AND HAS A FUCKING NAKED LADY ON THE TUBE. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling?

** Yeah, this is also not a sex toy, but I can’t imagine someone using it outside of the bedroom. (And I don’t want to, either).

Get it together, sex toy industry. I’ve got my eye on you. Stop making shit like this.


And as a side announcement, the blog is yet again going live! Check back every Thursday for super cool weekly updates.

Random Post is Random! Friday, Oct 14 2011 

WOAH! Where have I been? In an alternate universe where this blog doesn’t exist, apparently. I spend a lot of time on tumblr now, sadly enough, (, but I will always love this blog as well!

In fact, I found this blog while adventuring on tumblr just a few minutes ago:

It lists random, “epic” facts, and, while viewing these facts, I found that I had commentary for some of them that the world just had to see.

So here we go!


Doesn’t even say how, or who this man was… Just that he loved saving babies.

No… Even that might be too much to infer. He might’ve saved them by accident…

… I don’t find this very “epic”. It’s sort of, “Duh.”

That’s sort of shitty. 1, you put all this work into getting that medal, and they give you fuckin’ silver. 2, they’re lying to your face!

… Because they have nothing better to do, apparently.

Scientist 1: What should we try to do now? Cure cancer, maybe?

Scientist 2: Fuck yeah, cancer sucks.

Scientist 3: Yeah!

Scientist 4: Guys, wait. I have an idea.

Scientist 2: What is it?

Scientist 4: … Have you guys seen the movie Up?

Probably a misguided attempt to score chicks.


… That seems low to me. (Or am I just a slut..?)

8 out of 10 people jump to conclusions.

See, I can’t imagine any parents thinking that shit is cute. If you’ve ever worked in education, I’m sure you know that 87% of parents would freak the fuck out at a teacher referring to their precious little snowflake of a child as a ‘troll’.


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