2 Dream Jobs That I Will Never Get Because of the Internet Friday, Oct 21 2011 

(Doesn’t this blog title just roll off the tongue?) /sarcasm/

~

1. Writer for a video game magazine

I am obsessed with video games. Creating my own, playing others, reading about them, thinking about them, talking with others about the industry as a whole… And also, I’m fairly okay at writing. So what’s the problem?

Also I don't look like this.

When I was younger, my parents had a subscription to Electronic Gaming Monthly. It was the best magazine ever, and we all devoured it every month.

That is, until EGM went out of business.*

And then, other magazines started going out of business too. You’ve probably noticed some of your favorite periodicals shutting down too. It’s practically an epidemic at this point– and I hope I don’t have to explain the cause to you. Because you’re literally looking it in the face.

Yes, with blogs and online articles and all that good shit, no one really needs to buy magazines anymore. Yes, magazines are awesome, but you can probably find the same information in them online, at multiple sites, and probably more quickly too.

So, while I would be awesome at it… There’s not much market for it.

*EGM actually managed to overcome its economic issues and is continuing to print issues. Don’t expect that to last too long, though…

2. Sex toy store employee, (or even owner or manager!)

The picture above is of Babeland, one of the recent, more legit sex toy shops to crop up in the last decade or so. I know, when most people think of sex toy shops, they think of something scuzzy looking, like this:

But thankfully, some very nice ladies who were into sex toys and feminism and helping chicks explore their sexuality decided to open some cool stores. I’m hip! I love talking about sex toys and sex in general, and educating people about it. Trust me, I’d be a shoo-in for the job. I had this book when I was four:

I’ve been training for this for pretty much my whole life.

But, again, there is the internet to consider… And dillish people.

First off, there are only four Babeland stores in existence. Three of them are in New York. Many states actually have laws against the selling and purchasing of sex toys, BECAUSE THOSE STATES ARE RUN BY FUCKING ASSHOLES.

I'm looking at you, Alabama.

So there’s that. But, perhaps even the most obvious reason is…

People generally don’t want to be seen walking into a sex toy shop. Or be seen buying a sex toy. Or be seen walking home with a sex toy. Or be seen using a sex toy. (Okay, that last one is understandable).

So of course, most people will turn to the internet for their needs. Meaning, unless I start sucking tons of dick at Babeland, or Early2Bed, (which won’t work because they’re all run by chicks), then I’m screwed.

~

But it’s not all gloom and doom. Fortunately, there are many other career paths I can take, and even many jobs that the internet has made possible.

I just can’t think of any.

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4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys Saturday, Oct 15 2011 

WARNING: This is an “adult” blog post, meaning adult topics are tackled and adult pictures are shown.

I’m not saying you have to be an adult to look at ‘em, but make sure that no one who will judge you is looking over your shoulder.

Enjoy.

~

I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but guys, I really love looking at sex toys. Scrolling through pages of them. For hours. Just looking into the whole new world that is dildos, vibrators, cockrings, etc… I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?

Now, you may not know this, but when you sift through twenty hundred pages of sex toys, you’re gonna come across some shitty ones. Lots of shitty ones. Things that you don’t want anywhere near your genitals.

But there’s also a lot of ridiculous ones. Things that are more hilarious than hideously awful.

This blog post is dedicated to four of them.

Presenting, in no paticular order…

4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys

4. The Gossip Ring

So, basically, this is a rose shaped cockring. I don’t know why you’d wanna make a cockring shaped like anything other than a ring, but, you know, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Oh, wait.

“This stretchy, adorable ring, (along with its removable mini vibrator), provides delightful vibration… and nobody will be the wiser when you wear it out on the town.”

Oh, yeah. Totally inconspicous.

The makers of this toy apparently expect you to go out and wear this shit, (because you apparently have an issue where you need access to a vibrator at all times); which has two big ass buttons that you won’t be able to explain without saying, “Yeah, that’s the off switch and the other one is the on switch. So I can make it vibrate. For my pleasure.”

At which point whoever you’re talking to will make this face:

And if they don’t, then they’re probably making this face:

Who the fuck draws these faces?

And I can’t decide which would be worse.

3. him Cream: Leather Scented*

Juuuust great.

This lube was created for gay men, who are apparently really into the scent of leather. Mmm, cow skin. That just screams sex. him Cream also makes an unscented lube, which I guess they started making when they realized how stupid their first idea was.

(Also, lube should never, ever, be referred to as ‘cream’. Ew).

*Yes, lube is not a sex toy, but sex toys and lube just go together, like peanut butter and jelly. (You are now forever cursed to think of sex toys and lube every time you bite into a PB & J. Mmmm).

2. Sex-A-Peel Vibrator and Forbidden Fruit

There is nothing sexy about this.

As you have surely surmised, it’s a vibrator. Shaped like a banana. Because everyone looks at fruit and thinks, ‘Yes. I need that all up in genitalia right the fuck now.’

But maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. After all, the Sex-A-Peel Vibrator is, (surprisingly), not the only fruit shaped vibrator.

The Forbidden Fruit vibrator.

Alright, I’ll be honest. I could see the appeal of a banana shaped vibrator. It’s at least vaguely phallic. But this shit is apple shaped. A fucking little vibrating ball that will be in no way comfortable when you try to use it the way it was intended to be used.

1. Nipple Nibblers**

No, 'luscious melon' is not the only flavor it comes in.

“Want to make your nipples extra-tasty? Dab on some of this tingly fruit-flavored balm, and you’ll have to tear your sweetie away!” Right. Because nipples are so horrid and disgusting that you have to rub a fucking balm on them that’ll make them sticky and probably taste like medicine to make them more bearable in someone’s mouth.

The product explanation goes on to say, “Cute, tiny, and discreet– no one needs to know that it isn’t lip balm!”

Except for the fact that, you know, IT SAYS ‘NIPPLE NIBBLERS’ ON IT AND HAS A FUCKING NAKED LADY ON THE TUBE. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling?

** Yeah, this is also not a sex toy, but I can’t imagine someone using it outside of the bedroom. (And I don’t want to, either).

Get it together, sex toy industry. I’ve got my eye on you. Stop making shit like this.

~

And as a side announcement, the blog is yet again going live! Check back every Thursday for super cool weekly updates.

A Night in the Life of the Lonely. Sunday, Sep 12 2010 

WARNING: This is an “adult” blog post, meaning adult topics are tackled and adult pictures are shown.

Very adult pictures.

I’m not saying you have to be an adult to look at ’em, but make sure that no one who will judge you is looking over your shoulder.

Enjoy.

~

So it’s 8 PM and you’re sitting in your studio apartment and you’re feeling antsy.

Although, others would just call it horny.

You’ve got a bit of a problem, now. Your internet’s been shut off, and the sexy shows don’t come on until later.

So, you grab your jacket, head out the door, and walk on over to the local

You’ve been before, so you know where to find what you’re looking for.

Ah, aisle 3, home of the blow-up dolls.

God bless them. You’ve never bought one before, but you’re hoping it’ll do the trick for at least tonight.

You remind yourself just low your funds are and head over to the cheaper dolls. Why, here’s one—

EGAD. You shudder on over to the slightly more expensive dolls, deciding it might just be worth it to spend the extra money…

This is not a great start. Not only does this doll look like she’s been beat into next week with the ugly stick, she’s also got awkwardly high genitalia.

But she’s holding a penis pump. So that’s kind of cool.

You continue on, hoping to find something not nearly so erection-killing.

Well now. Look at this box:

‘My Baby Got Back’, eh? You figure it’s safe to assume that this doll must have a large ass. You’re no Sir Mix-A-Lot, but it’ll be a plus.

Let’s see.

Well now. Not only is that ass not huge, it’s not even average. It’s just…

Dissapointing.

Onto the next girl.

My word, is that  a tampon? Damn fetishists.

You look to the next doll, beginning to wonder what sort of monsters purchase these things.

Hm. Honestly, this girl’s sort of lacking in the boob department, comparitively speaking.

Even the ‘Barely Legal’ doll’ is better.

You blandly scroll through the next dolls, mentally making notes on why they’re unacceptable.

Neanderthal-esque.

Curtains don’t match the carpet.

Afflicted with Down’s Syndrome.

OK, fuck this shit. FUCK. THIS SHIT. You stomp your way over to the ‘novelty’ dolls, hoping to just grab something cheap you can pass off as a gag gift to your friends.

Hey, this doesn’t look so bad… You step closer.

Hm… Her nails are oddly realistic…

AND HER EYES ARE FUCKING SOULLESS MAGAZINE CUTOUTS OF REAL EYES.

With a havy heart, you look to the most expensive doll…

… and promptly walk out in search of a hooker.