Interesting Answers for Boring Questions Tuesday, Dec 12 2017 

People ask me the following questions fairly often, and I can only guess it’s because they expect a thrilling response. However, life ain’t always that interesting. It’s a shame I get these questions so much, because I have PLENTY of good ass stories, like the time I accidentally pepper sprayed myself, or how I had the worst 15th birthday celebration ever.

But I am doomed to only answer the banal queries below:


1. “Why’d you become a vegetarian?”

What people are expecting: “I SAW A COW DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND WITH ITS LAST BREATH, IT BEGGED ME TO NEVER EAT MEAT AGAIN!” -rolls up sleeve to show PETA tattoo-

The real deal: I was 9 when I become a vegetarian, so, to be perfectly honest, I can barely remember why I became a vegetarian!

I know I first became really aware of what vegetarianism is that year, and the horror show of where our meat comes from. But I’ve been a vegetarian for so long now that I don’t even care anymore. I probably think about it as often as omnivores sit down and reflect on the fact that they eat meat. (Rarely).

So while I enjoy vegetarianism, and think it would be nice if there were more of us, I don’t really have a manifesto about it at the ready.

2. “How’d you know you were bisexual?”

What people are expecting: “I rolled up to an orgy expecting to only touch the penises but then I ended up touching a lot of vaginas too and it was pretty cool!”

The real deal: I think when people ask this question they are expecting a salacious story or a romantic one, but sadly for them, I have always known, ever since I was an itty bitty Chef, that my attraction to people doesn’t have much to do with their gender.

I always saw cute guys and ladies and was like “wow congrats on bein FINE.” Since itty bitty Chef didn’t know what the hell a bisexual was, (or a homosexual, for that matter), itty bitty Chef thought everyone was attracted to everyone, but you kept same sex attraction to yourself and only acted on opposite sex attraction.

Thankfully, Chef eventually got bigger and learned THAT’S BULLSHIT. Now Chef does what Chef wants.

3. “What’s your tattoo (of a key) mean?”

What people are expecting: “My dad was murdered by a key. The number of dots represent the age my dad was when he died and the black ink represents my soul dying too.”

The real deal: Well first off, my dad, thankfully, is alive and well.

I got my tattoo on my 22nd Birthday, which landed on Friday the 13th that year. (Hello tattoo deals!) I took a fun trip to Brooklyn to pick out a design from the multitude of pre-approved flash sheets with my friend Zdja, (who even paid for my tattoo as a birthday gift!)

So as much as I like to tell people it’s the “key to their heart,” (and die laughing at their reaction to such cheesy words), I just like the way my tattoo looks, and it reminds me of a rad day. It was also a decent way to get a feel for the process, (because I definitely want more!)

Advertisements

Writing My Ass Off – February Saturday, Feb 25 2017 

Since February’s Writing Contest was less about writing and more about conceptualizing, I’ll share this piece I wrote for a contest last year, and got an honorable mention for. 

The prompt was that the main character should be drinking and having flashbacks to something they don’t want to think about. 

~~~

Something that’ll burn on the way down, I thought, but didn’t say, as I hesitated over the bartender’s question. “Can I get a shot of tequila?”

The stocky bartender nodded and turned to the wall of bottles behind him, shot glass in hand. I settled back on the bar stool and laid my hands out in front of me, watching as they trembled. It was a little before 11 PM, and the hotel bar was empty save for a couple at the other end. The pair, perhaps a wife and husband, were completely focused on each other, talking quietly about something that looked like it must have been very funny.

The bartender’s return brought my attention upward, and I retrieved my wallet and paid. The shot glass was practically full to the brim, and I brought it to my lips slowly, not wanting to spill a drop. As I hoped, it did burn as I knocked it back, and I shut my eyes for a moment, wincing at the harsh taste. There was a strange noise behind me, like–

— like a skull giving way; Moore’s head collapsing in on itself…
I shut my eyes for a moment and tried to push the image from my mind. I wasn’t here to think about that. The shot glass was loose in my fingers, and I set it down on the bar before I could drop it.

I turned my gaze to a man who hadn’t been there the moment before, and realized the noise I heard must’ve been the door opening behind me. The man wore a rumpled business suit, dark in color.
“What can I get for you?” The bartender asked the new arrival, who, to my displeasure, took the seat next to mine.

“Hm,” the blond tapped his fingers against the bar, as if deep in thought. “What are you drinking?” He asked, turning to face me.

I stiffened in my chair. “Tequila,” I replied, after what felt like a slightly too long pause.

The man smiled. “Perfect, can I get the same?” He looked to me again once the bartender walked away. “I’m Tiernan.” He held his hand out.

I pressed my hand into his. “Cecily.” I hoped he would leave the conversation at that, but I doubted it. I must’ve looked like an easy target; a woman alone at the bar.

“A pleasure.” Tiernan waited for his order, paying when it came. I watched as he downed his shot, slamming the glass down hard on the table. “Want another?” He asked me.

“Sure,” I replied. As much as I had been hoping to drink all by my lonesome, I wouldn’t say no to a freebie.  

A couple minutes later, the two shots were in our hands. “To your health,” Tiernan murmured as I clanked my glass against his. This shot burned a little less. Tiernan wavered a bit in his seat, his ever present smile growing wider. “You here alone?”

I nodded, thinking that if I had met Tiernan just a few days before, the answer would have been, ‘no.’ But you’re alone now, I reminded myself. You made sure of that.

A melancholy expression must’ve crossed my face, because Tiernan rapped his fingers on the bar and leaned in close. “You certainly don’t have to stay alone, Cecily,” he assured me genially. “There’s not a lot to hold a person’s interest in here… Not even a casino,” Tiernan noted, nudging at his empty glass with two fingers. “Have you seen it yet?” He asked, after a short pause.

He didn’t have to elaborate on what ‘it,’ was. The only thing of interest for miles was the Grand Canyon– the only reason anyone came to this hotel. They didn’t come for the heat, the dirt, or the sun, I’m sure. Just the huge, jagged tear in the earth.

“Not yet,” I admitted, hailing the bartender for a glass of water. I was starting to feel a little woozy.

Tiernan put his hand up as well. “Me too!”

I sipped gingerly on the water and tried to will my head to clear up. “Have you seen it yet?” I echoed back at Tiernan.

“Yeah,” He replied, his voice tinted with awe. We made eye contact and he held my gaze as he continued, “It’s amazing. I didn’t think I would care, you know? It’s just a big hole in the ground.” He lowered his glass without taking his eyes off me. “But Cecily, it’s fucking beautiful. Everyone should make a point to see it before they die.”

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as flashes of red flooded my vision. It was seeping in under the door, leaking from the collar of Tiernan’s shirt, pooling on top of the bar. There was blood everywhere. Tiernan seemed to not have noticed, and the bartender and couple across from us had no reaction either.

I took a deep breath. “Wow,” I said, my voice cracking somewhat. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, things appeared to be back to normal. No more blood. Not even a drop. I plastered a blank expression to my face, resisting the urge to scream, or to grab Tiernan, to bash his face in…

I inhaled deeply again. Alcohol had been a bad idea. I had meant to numb myself a bit, not lose control. Maybe now was a good time to return to my room, before I did something drastic. I glanced over at my companion, who had grown quiet, turning his gaze to his cell phone. He didn’t resemble Moore much, besides the fact that they were both men. Tiernan’s hair was a dirty blonde, lighter than Moore’s brown. Even their build was different; Moore had been much slighter than Tiernan. The largest discrepancy, the one that made my stomach churn, was that Moore was dead, head smashed, blood soaking a permanent stain into the cheap beige carpet, while Tiernan sat next to me, very much alive.

I closed my eyes again and the vivid image of Moore’s corpse faded just a little. I downed the rest of my water and began to gather my things, which caught Tiernan’s attention. “Going so soon?”

I smiled. “I’m a little tired.”

“I couldn’t tell,” Tiernan replied, standing as well. “Way you were drinking…”

“It always puts me out,” I said agreeably, even though he was starting to annoy me. I didn’t come here to hurt anyone, I reminded myself. Just a quick drink.

“I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I didn’t offer to walk the lady to her room.”

I just looked at him, thinking of a quote I had heard before, but couldn’t quite remember. Something about yielding to temptation. I wasn’t sure if it was good advice, but I certainly wanted to.

“If you insist,” I finally said, turning to head out of the bar and up the stairs. There were two sets, a grand set of stairs in the lobby that curved up to the second floor, and a second set of dog-leg staircases that led all the way to the roof. My room was on the fourth floor. I could use the walk; hopefully it’d have a sobering effect.

I pulled open the heavy door to the stairwell, Tiernan shuffling in behind me. The fluorescent lighting stung my eyes; the bar had been much more dimly lit.

“What floor are you on?” Tiernan asked, as I began the trek up the first half-flight of stairs. “I hope the second.”

“Fourth,” I responded, waiting for him politely on the landing.

“Don’t tell me you’re a health freak,” Tiernan said, still making no movement to begin climbing the stairs. “Like you’ve come to hike the entire canyon.”

I laughed for the first time that night, something I didn’t expect. “No.”

Tiernan nodded. “Alright,” he replied, gamely following in my footsteps.

“What’s your floor?” I asked him, mostly just to fill the eerie silence of the stairwell.

“Eleventh,” Tiernan answered. “You won’t catch me walking all the way up there.”

I laughed again and paused at the second floor landing, waiting for Tiernan, who was shuffling up at a much slower pace. It occurred to me, watching him stumble up the stairs, that he might have started drinking before he even got to the bar.

Upon joining me on the second floor landing, Tiernan held up a hand to stop me from continuing. I hesitated and watched as he reached into his jacket, unearthing a flask. “I’m a little thirsty,” he said with a smirk, tilting it towards me. “What about you, Cecily?”
A small, very far away voice tried to remind me that I’d drank enough that night. But I took the flask from his hands anyway, downing a long swig of whatever was inside. Which was a mistake, because it was a lot stronger than I anticipated. The flask was heavy in my hands, both of them, as I–

— raised the cast iron skillet to about chest level and brought it down as hard as I could on Moore’s head. I was ready to do it again, but he sunk to the floor before I could, the back of his head more of a mess than I could have ever been prepared for.

A wave of nausea pulsed through me and I pressed the flask back into Tiernan’s grasp with one hand, putting the other to my mouth as I bent over and coughed. The less I thought about Moore’s death, the duller the sensations associated with it became. It was all rushing back now, the heady horror and excitement of it filling my bones.

“I take it you’re not much of a whiskey drinker,” Tiernan inferred, placing the flask back inside his jacket. I shook my head no, settling into a seat on the cool, gray steps. The coughing had robbed me of a decent amount of oxygen, and I needed a minute to catch my breath. Tiernan dropped down next to me, his gaze fixed on the bottom of the staircase above us.

“I can’t take you to my room,” I said, my throat tight from the coughing. It seemed as good a time as any to break the news. Killing Moore had been a monstrous thing. Which, I supposed, made me a monster. But that didn’t mean Tiernan had to meet the same fate.

“Cecily,” Tiernan began, “I had zero intention of–”

“Sure,” I said quickly, cutting him off. “You just wanted to walk me up.”

“That’s right.”

“Well.” I stood, grabbing onto the railing tightly. The floor was definitely swaying beneath me. “Two more floors,” I murmured, putting one unsteady foot in front of the other.

We didn’t speak anymore as we walked, which made it even easier to keep thinking about Moore, the way he gurgled and spat blood and curled his long fingers into the rug. As disturbing as all of it had been, the thing that bothered me the most about the entire incident was what happened before I hit him, in the seconds that passed as I raised the skillet up, before I ever brought it down.

Moore had looked up at me, which I hadn’t been planning on. Recognition flashed in his eyes, almost like he knew what was going to happen next. He didn’t move, and I didn’t stop. I wanted to know that he never saw it coming. But I couldn’t say that now.

I pulled the door open to the fourth floor and let Tiernan walk in front of me. The stroll to my room was a short one, but it felt longer through the haze of the alcohol. I stopped at 408, and turned to Tiernan. “This is me.”

He bowed his head somewhat, taking a step back. “Good night, Cecily. I had a much better time with you than I would’ve had alone.”

That was the time to reply with a false, ‘Me too,’ but I couldn’t force the words out.

“You said you haven’t seen it, right?” Tiernan leaned a little closer. “The Grand Canyon. I’d love to go with you. See what you think.” He produced his cell phone from a pocket in his slacks. “Can I get your number?”

I chewed on my lip, thinking of what to do. I wasn’t here to see the Grand Canyon. I was here to get away, to not have to share a house with a rotting corpse. Tiernan stood in front me, waiting patiently. It seemed like no matter what I said, I couldn’t be rid of him easily. It hit me then, the quote I had been thinking of earlier: ‘The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.’

“Did you want to come in?” I asked, leaning against the door for support.

Tiernan hesitated, confusion plain on his face.

“Just come in,” I insisted, rooting through my pocket for the keycard.

Tiernan kept his mouth shut, not offering any protest as I swiped the card through the reader. It shone green and I opened the door slowly, Tiernan trailing close behind. This time, I assured myself, would be much better than the first. This time, for certain, he would never see it coming.

Batman vs. Superman Thoughts Sunday, Mar 27 2016 

I just saw Batman vs. Superman and HOLY BUTTCHEEK
I kinda really liked it!
I was prepared to hate it… To sit there in the theater and bask in the assness. But I found myself doing the complete opposite. I took notes throughout the whole movie, because they were so many IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING THAT I WANTED TO REMEMBER.
Now, I’ll say again… Spoilers abound. HUGE fuckin’ spoilers. So please turn away if you haven’t seen BvS yet. (Unless you don’t plan to, which is kind of a mistake).
~
Now, like I said, I was taking notes on my phone during the movie, and typos and autocorrect made them a bit of a mess.
~
What I wrote: Why wrentvtheyvputv g the building sooner
What I meant: Why weren’t they out of the building sooner?
Near the beginning of the movie, we see Bruce Wayne calling some dude named Jack in one of his buildings in Metropolis. All the employees are there, just working away, while FUCKING SUPERMAN AND ZOD TEAR UP THE CITY MERE YARDS AWAY
Why are they still there?! Why have they not evacuated? Were they waiting for the okay from Wayne? What kind of slavish devotion is that? Fuck that shit.

What I wrote: Broke a car window but everyone is cool
What I meant: Broke a car window but everyone is cool
At one point during the flashback to Metropolis and the big fight between Superman and Zod, one of them does some sonic boom shit, which blows out the windows of a car, but doesn’t knock anyone over. Okay.

What I wrote: I ship Alfred and batman
What I meant: I ship Alfred and Batman
They were meant for each other! I really don’t understand why they don’t fuck.

What I wrote: I like pec lithos
What I meant: I like Lex Luthor
Lex Luthor definitely grew on me. From the trailers, I was like, “This shit is dumb.” I’m not a fan of Jesse Eisenberg, but you know what. I fucking liked Lex Luthor. I said it.

What I wrote: Rob costume is haunting
What I meant: Robin’s costume is haunting
Holy balls. I know we already saw it in the trailers, but it’s really something, isn’t it?

What I wrote: No security at this library
What I meant: No security at this library
Batman just waltzes downstairs and starts downloading files and shit without a problem. (Mercy does not count as a problem because she does fucking dick to stop him).

What I wrote: Why batman has the most ducked up dreams
What I meant: Why Batman has the most fucked up dreams
Batman’s dreams are a doozy! My reactions to them:
1. Flying up into the bats: Retarded
2. Bat monster coming out the grave: FUCKING TERRIFYING
3. Batman vs. Superman: Fucking weird. There was so much weird shit going on. The Super soldiers, Batman using a gun, THE WORLD IS A DESERT, Superman being a penis, THOSE FUCKING BAT DEMON THINGS and then…

What I wrote: THE FLASH
What I meant: THE FLASH
AND THEN THE FLASH APPEARS TO GIVE ME FUCKING CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS FLASHBACKS AND GOD THIS MOVIE
I will admit, it took me about halfway into this scene to realize who the Flash was. I was like, “Who the fuck– Is that Robin? Why does he look like an asshole? Who is this asshole?” And then I saw the lightning and it all came together and it was amazing.

What I wrote: Lo
What I meant: Lo
If I’m not mistaken, Superman calls Lois Lane, “Lo,” at one point, which is a cute and perfect nickname.

What I wrote: Big ass scar on batman D chest
What I meant: Big ass scar on Batman’s chest?
Batman’s got a big ass scar on the left side of his chest. I wanna know how it got there. It looks gnarly.

What I wrote: Wonder woman, flash, aqua man, cyborg
What I meant: Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman, Cyborg
I wrote this note when they first show the symbols in Lex’s files. I thought it was an Easter egg, so I was excite and feeling proud of myself…

What I wrote: Lemme see that super dong
What I meant: Lemme see that super dong
We see tons of naked General Zod, but zero super dong. That’s an issue.

What I wrote: KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER
What I meant: KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER
KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER! This scene was crazy but perfect.

What I wrote: Loud an led lol like brother and sister
What I meant: Lois and Lex look like brother and sister
They really do!

What I wrote: Wise words on god all powerful cannot be all good
What I meant: Wise words on god: Something all powerful can’t be all good, and something all good can’t be all powerful
I just really liked that sentiment. Very compelling, Lex!

What I wrote: Did lex intercept the chicks
What I meant: Did Lex intercept the checks?
This is kind of hilarious. This means that the money was never getting to wheelchair guy, but he was still telling people he worked for Bruce Wayne. Best of all, Bruce Wayne never even saw the rude messages on the checks until the umpteenth hour.

What I wrote: THOSEVPHOTOSOF HIS NOM THI
What I meant: THOSE PHOTOS OF HIS MOM THO
They went in on Superman’s mom! She’s an old fuckin’ lady! Have some respect! Those photos were frightening.

What I wrote: … How did lex find out who he is
What I meant: … How did Lex find out who he is?
How the fuck did Lex Luthor identify Superman? I mean, the obvious answer is that it’s mad obvious who he is; anybody could figure it out.
But if anybody could figure it out… Why hasn’t anyone until Lex? IT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE.

What I wrote: Aqua man looks retarded
What I meant: Aquaman looks retarded
Aquaman’s little video was awful. He should’ve just destroyed the camera real quick instead of acting like he was doing a fucking photo shoot just floating underwater like that.

What I wrote: FUCKIN CYBORG
What I meant: FUCKIN CYBORG
This shit was so cool! I’m so excite. These scenes would’ve made really awesome stingers, though.

What I wrote: why is nobody evacuating
What I meant: Why is nobody evacuating?!
Again, what’s up with these people and not wanting to go the fuck home while horrible shit is going down?! The employees of the Daily Planet keep peering out the window like, “Wow, the alien ship a few blocks away is really wigging out! Let’s keep working!” Fuuuuck that shit.

What I wrote: You’re not brace. Men are brave
What I meant: You’re not brave. Men are brave.
A nice bit of dialogue from Batman to Superman.

What I wrote: I’m not sure their friendship can come back from this
What I meant: I’m not sure their friendship can come back from this
Batman was really fucking Superman up. I really don’t think I could be friends with someone who beat me like that.

What I wrote: OUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME
What I meant: OUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME
I swear I never realized this before.

What I wrote: Every time we say goodbye you die a little
What I meant: Every time we say goodbye you die a little
The henchman about to burn Martha Kent was saying this to her, (or something like this), before Batman burst in and interrupted. What the fuck did he mean? Was he just dropping some impromptu poetry on his captive audience?

What I wrote: Why just leaf that spear here
What I meant: Why just leave that spear there?
This pissed me off so much. WHY JUST LEAVE THAT SPEAR THERE IN THAT ABANDONED BUILDING. THAT’S NOT FUCKING SAFE, BATMAN, YOU DUMB FUCK.

What I wrote: Doomsday holy shit
What I meant: Doomsday holy shit
At this point of the movie, I had completely forgotten Doomsday was supposed to be in it. So that was a fun little surprise.

What I wrote: He looks like the troll from lotr
What I meant: He looks like the troll from LOTR
… Even if Doomsday looked the troll from the Lord of the Rings.

What I wrote: ROAST IT
What I meant: ROAST IT
When fighting Doomsday, the first thing Superman does is start punching him. If I was Superman, my very first move would be to break out the eye beams, but he doesn’t even try that until deep into the fight :/

What I wrote: Second form is cool
What I meant: Second form is cool
When Doomsday starts peeling off his skin and looks more like he does in the comics… That was pretty cool.

What I wrote: Batman is so human I love I
What I meant: Batman is so human I love it
Seeing Batman run around the final battlefield completely out of his element was pretty great. It’s nice to be reminded that he’s not really a ‘superhero.’ Or a, ‘metahuman.’ #Whatever.

What I wrote: WW kicking the most ass of anybody
What I meant: Wonder Woman is kicking the most ass of anybody
Wonder Woman kicked a lot of ass in that final battle! They really should’ve gave her the spear and let her handle shit. She was obviously capable.

What I wrote: IMPALED jfc
What I meant: IMPALED jfc
Superman really caught it! Ouch.

What I wrote: How excavator did they gaggle the two funerals
What I meant: How exactly did they manage two funerals?
I really want to know the logistics of Superman and Clark Kent’s funerals. He was buried in Kansas, but… The government was just cool with not having a body? Did they think he just dissolved? I dunno, man.

What I wrote: Thus birch has the pest hairdos
What I meant: This bitch has the worst hairdos
When not in her Wonder Woman outfit, Wonder Woman has some really awful hairdos. Diana Prince needs a new hairstylist.

What I wrote: Darks rid??
What I meant: Darkseid??
This movie is building up to Darkseid? Ignoring for a moment the fact that I think that character is ass, how many big blue/grey super powerful villains can we have in these damn superhero movies?

Complaints aside, I really freaking enjoyed this movie. It’s a great time to be alive.

P.S. Patrick Wilson played the President! (In a voice over role). I love Patrick Wilson!