Hey. There are these books out— maybe you’ve heard of them?

I thought so.

 Were you aware that they’re being made into movies?


Well, then maybe you already knew that the last book, Breaking Dawn, is being adapted into two movies, instead of one.

And, maybe when you found that out, you flipped your shit.

"They're doing WHAAAT?!"

I know I did.
“Why?” You ask. “The last book is so complex and couldn’t POSSIBLY fit into one movie!”
(I hope you didn’t actually say that. For your sake.)
Anyway. Let’s get into why I think that’s bullshit.
This is probably the worst book of the series, and we all know why. 300 pages of “Edward is soooo mysterious” does not an intriguing story make.
“But, Chey,” you laugh, “You still read it!”
WELL,  I ALMOST DIDN’T. If not for the fact that I was at my grandmother’s house, (and as with every old person’s house, there is usually jack shit to do), I would’ve put the book down right around page 200.
Thankfully, I read the whole thing and was rewarded with the most interesting scene in the book: Bella getting the shit kicked out of her.
And I’m not even saying that to be cute. I’m saying that because it’s the only thing that happened.
The movie follows the book closely enough, in that it’s boring, Bella gets the shit kicked out of her, and you feel nothing while watching it. It’s the total book experience, shortened to two hours!
New Moon
I enjoyed New Moon to an extent. While the whole part with the Volturi slowed things down, it was a better story, but it could’ve been even better if it was 1/4 shorter. At least.
My least favorite. This was the book that started switching to the POV of Jacob, (something that was carried on to Breaking Dawn), and there’s one little problem with that:
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT JACOB OR HIS WHINY WEREWOLF FRIENDS. I read Twilight to read about fucking Bella. No one else. (Which is why I’m not reading that stupid Second Life of Bree Whoever shit).
The films thus far have been following the pattern of ‘turning long ass boring books into long ass boring movies.’
I was hoping that would all change with
Breaking Dawn, thankfully, has conflict and shit happening throughout the book, which would make for an interesting movie.
Except, you know, they’re dragging it out into TWO movies. All for money. Those fucking bastards.
BTW— Next week’s blog post will be on Wednesday, not Thursday. Cuz I’m gonna be busy. DEAL WITH IT!!!