THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388 Thursday, May 17 2012 

I remember the frenzy that people were sent into when Pottermore first went live and you had to jump through a series of hoops involving having to insert all seven Harry Potter books up your butt and then see which page wouldn’t fit and enter that on the site or something like that.

A lot of people had to stop and go to the hospital around book five.

I remember thinking it was all very cute, and that perhaps I might join one day when you didn’t have to circle every fifth letter of each odd numbered book and unscramble it to make the Latin words for ‘YOU HAVE NO LIFE,’ and enter that into the site and pray for an invitation.

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That day came like two weeks ago when I was bored and decided to type ‘pottermore’ into my search bar and begin a magical journey.

THUS BEGAN… THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388.

This is me. I don’t have any house points because fuck my house. Also I am a cat.

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Day 1

The majority of Pottermore is unbearably boring. You wait a few minutes for an interactive picture to load and then you can click around and find treasures such as:

‘Send as gift,’ so that your friends can hate you.

As you can tell, I’m using the word ‘treasure’ very, very loosely. You can also discover some shit that J.K. Rowling wrote exclusively for Pottermore, and enjoy that. And by ‘enjoy,’ I of course mean ‘ignore.’

Eventually I got to do some interesting stuff, like buy shit and get a wand.

Which looks suspiciously like a turd.

I was sorted into a house eventually too. Gryffindor. Poking around the common room, I found that directly underneath the big ‘Gryffindor house,’ there was smaller text, that read: Bravery & Chivalry.

Would it have killed them to capitalize the ‘h’ in ‘house’? IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE.

That’s right, one of my house’s main tenets is sexism. GREAT.

Day 2

After that… Alarming discovery, I ignored Pottermore for like two weeks. But my friends were talking about it so I decided to hop back into the thick of things and start pottermore-ing it up.

I gained three new friends and discovered that you could give them nicknames, which is convenient for when I can’t be bothered to try and remember who the fuck ‘ShinyAirBubble666’ is. I somehow resisted the urge to give all my friends really ridiculous nicknames and just settled for their actual names.

I also found out that you get house points, although I’m not sure how. I briefly considered whoring myself out to other users for points, (and I don’t mean begging, I mean literally whoring). I figured it would definitely spice things up on this site clearly meant for children…

… Yeah, or not. I guess I’ll have to get points the old-fashioned way.

Whatever that is.

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Random Post is Random! Friday, Oct 14 2011 

WOAH! Where have I been? In an alternate universe where this blog doesn’t exist, apparently. I spend a lot of time on tumblr now, sadly enough, (stickysugar.tumblr.com), but I will always love this blog as well!

In fact, I found this blog while adventuring on tumblr just a few minutes ago: http://epicfacts.net/

It lists random, “epic” facts, and, while viewing these facts, I found that I had commentary for some of them that the world just had to see.

So here we go!

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Doesn’t even say how, or who this man was… Just that he loved saving babies.

No… Even that might be too much to infer. He might’ve saved them by accident…

… I don’t find this very “epic”. It’s sort of, “Duh.”

That’s sort of shitty. 1, you put all this work into getting that medal, and they give you fuckin’ silver. 2, they’re lying to your face!

… Because they have nothing better to do, apparently.

Scientist 1: What should we try to do now? Cure cancer, maybe?

Scientist 2: Fuck yeah, cancer sucks.

Scientist 3: Yeah!

Scientist 4: Guys, wait. I have an idea.

Scientist 2: What is it?

Scientist 4: … Have you guys seen the movie Up?

Probably a misguided attempt to score chicks.

Really..?

… That seems low to me. (Or am I just a slut..?)

8 out of 10 people jump to conclusions.

See, I can’t imagine any parents thinking that shit is cute. If you’ve ever worked in education, I’m sure you know that 87% of parents would freak the fuck out at a teacher referring to their precious little snowflake of a child as a ‘troll’.

GET IT TOGETHER, ROWLING. YOUR BOOKS ARE UNREALISTIC.