My Favorite Movies Saturday, Sep 14 2013 

Awhile back, I began to cultivate a list of my favorite movies. Because apparently I have way too much time on my hands.

Time. On my hands.

Time. On my hands.

In an attempt to not let that, (still unfinished), list go to waste, I’ve decided to start a new feature on the blog! It’s called, ‘My Favorite Movies,’ where I’ll showcase three movies and rant and rave about how amazing and life changing they are and how you should go watch them right now.

You know my movie choices are good because, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am the most critical person in the fucking world

LET’S DO THIS

The Strangers (2008)

Strangersposter

The Strangers is a horror movie, and, as those of you who love horror movies probably already know, the vast majority of them suck unbearable ass. So it’s always nice to find one that doesn’t.

The general gist of the movie is that a couple in a little house in the middle of nowhere is being savaged by a trio of mask wearing freaks.

Oh goodie.

I can’t imagine this ending well.

A lot of people have problems with the movie because, on the surface, it takes a bit more of suspension of disbelief than your usual popcorn fare would. The events that occur in the movie could have been easily avoided if

A) Their house wasn’t in the middle of fucking nowhere

B) The freaky mask trio didn’t have some sort of unexplained super speed

and

C) The couple wasn’t unbelievably and un-apologetically stupid.

But those are pretty much the tenets of any good horror movie. Half the fun of horror movies is screaming at the screen, “TURN AROUND, BITCH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING– OH MY GOD. MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE LIVED IF YOU HAD JUST LISTENED TO MY SAGE ADVICE.”

The movie is also pretty darn creepy and will totally put you off houses in the middle of nowhere for the rest of your life.

Casa de mi Padre (2012)

Casa_de_Mi_Padre

On to lighter fare! Casa de mi Padre is a comedy starring Will Ferrell, who we all know by now, is flipping hilarious.

And did I mention it’s entirely in Spanish?

It's totally as ridiculous as it looks.

It’s totally as ridiculous as it looks.

It’s a parody of low-budget Spanish grindhouse films with a dash of classic telenovela craziness sprinkled in for good measure. The plot follows Will Ferrell’s character, whose brother, a drug dealer, returns home to introduce his family to his fiancee, Sonia, and brings along a whole mess of crazy with him.

The majority of that crazy is spurred on by Sonia’s incredibly sexy uncle, la Onza, (who is played by the incredibly sexy Gael Garcia Bernal).

Try not to faint.

Try not to faint.

Not into dudes? It’s cool, Sonia’s quite a looker herself.

Here's the pair looking suave together.

Here’s the pair looking suave together.

The movie is full of intentional continuity errors sure to make you giggle, along with other cute winks to the supposed low budget-ness of the film. While it’s hard to explain just how hilarious/ridiculous the dialogue is, if you’ve got the line, “crazy shit-eating monster babies,” in your movie, you can probably rest assured that it’s a true work of art.

Possessed (2000)

Possessed-DVD_cover

I’m almost entirely convinced that I am the only person on this Earth to have ever watched Possessed. (I’ve actually watched it twice AND I OWN IT, so hats off to me). It’s a made for TV Showtime horror/drama based on the same events the movie The Exorcist is based on. This movie takes a more realistic approach, staying truer to the original events that took place in the 1940’s.

But all that is really just a front for the love story between the two priests in the movie that completely steals the show.

These guys are about as gay as it gets.

These guys are about as gay as it gets.

Father Bowdern, (on the right), is an alcoholic priest suffering from PTSD, a disorder he picked up during his time in France during World War II.

Father McBride, (on the left), is madly in love with him.

Father McBride, seen here wishing he knew how to quit Father Bowdern.

Father McBride, wishing he knew how to quit Father Bowdern.

Father Bowdern is the priest who handles the central possession and subsequent exorcism in the film, and Father McBride is pretty much his lovelorn stalker. Whether Father Bowdern is being thrown in jail, attacked by the possessed kid, or simply moping around in parks, Father McBride is instantly there, like a knight in shining gay armor.

Father Bowdern, wishing Father McBride was around to wipe his ass for him.

Father Bowdern, wishing Father McBride was around to wipe his ass for him.

Does Father Bowdern ever come around and return Father McBride’s advances? Watch the movie and find out for yourself!

Spoiler: He does.

Spoiler: He totally does.

Shitty Movies: Megan Is Missing Thursday, Jan 26 2012 

My sweet two month hiatus was very nice and I hope you all didn’t miss me too much. Now, onto the blog!

~

(Shitty Movies is a new series where I take a shitty movie that I’ve seen and break it down for you. This week, we have…)

Megan Is Missing

Megan Is Missing centers around two best friends: Megan and Amy.

Megan is the smiley one, and Amy is... The other one.

They’re 14 and 13 respectively at the beginning of the movie, which starts out slow. The first twenty minutes are pretty much dedicated to convincing you that Amy is the hugest loser in the fucking world, and Megan is the hugest slut. They go to a party and Megan blows a dude so Amy can get in and blah blah blah why is nothing interesting happening yet? They also spend a ridiculous amount of time video-chatting on their phones.

Just because.

After all that party bullshit, Megan starts talking to a boy named Josh, whom she meets in a cam chat room. His camera is “busted,” so their chats end up pretty one-sided, with Megan only able to hear Josh, who is of course, a super shady creeper. He invites Megan to meet him behind a diner, and then she is never seen again. Alive, anyway.

Megan getting abducted by Josh.

Let’s ignore the stupidity of meeting someone in real life who you haven’t even known for more than a couple of days and let’s focus instead on where they meet up. Behind a diner. I wouldn’t meet up with my best friend behind a diner, because the area behind a diner is 1. a fucking creepy spot, and 2. a pretty fucking useless spot to meet up at unless you’re actually going to the diner.

But anyway. Amy is obviously concerned about her best friend, and lets the police know that Megan was talking to some dude named Josh online right before she went missing.

Josh gets pissed and cam chats with Amy, telling her to shut up or something bad will happen to her too. He also lets her know that he’s been watching her.

Instead of calling the police or cowering in fear, Amy makes this face:

And decides that hanging out under creepy traffic bridges, (that she also mentions are prone to flooding), is the right thing to do in this situation.

While filming her video diary under one of these scenic bridges, Josh abducts her, and once more, this film takes a turn for the retarded.

Josh just so happens to have access to a rape dungeon, (I’m serious), so that’s where he keeps Amy, and, as we come to find out, Megan as well.

Amy in the aforementioned rape dungeon.

Let’s talk about this for a second.

How many people do you know have a rape dungeon built into their basement?

And I’m not even talking about a rudimentary ‘dungeon’ cobbled together with some drywall and creative curtain placement; this guy’s dungeon has stone rooms built into it that lock from the outside and have shackles inside of them and everything. This couldn’t have been a summer project on this guy’s part; this is a fucking professional dungeon he has here. You’d have to hire contractors to get a dungeon of that quality.

But how the fuck do you explain this to a contractor? Take a moment and try to think about how you would convince a contractor to help you build a rape dungeon in your basement. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

But anyway. Josh locks Amy in his dungeon and makes her eat dog food.

He also rapes her, because, hey, why not.

After this ordeal, Josh decides that he’s had enough of torturing Amy and stuffs her into a barrel, along with Megan’s rotting corpse.

Which looks like this.

He seals the barrel up, drags it outside, and starts to dig.

And dig.

And dig.

And then he digs some more.

Josh digs for a good ten minutes straight, (let me repeat that for you, TEN MINUTES OF DIGGING), while Amy screams and pleads with him from inside the barrel. If that sounds at all scary or interesting in the slightest– trust me, it’s anything but.

Josh finally finishes digging his hole and tosses the barrel inside. He buries it and the movie ends as he stands over the now buried barrel; Amy’s cries just faintly audible.

Yay! What a happy ending. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Purportedly, this movie is supposed to make you think twice about meeting people online. But if you needed to watch a terrible movie to give you some common sense, then you’ve got bigger issues.