Shitty Movies: Megan Is Missing Thursday, Jan 26 2012 

My sweet two month hiatus was very nice and I hope you all didn’t miss me too much. Now, onto the blog!

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(Shitty Movies is a new series where I take a shitty movie that I’ve seen and break it down for you. This week, we have…)

Megan Is Missing

Megan Is Missing centers around two best friends: Megan and Amy.

Megan is the smiley one, and Amy is... The other one.

They’re 14 and 13 respectively at the beginning of the movie, which starts out slow. The first twenty minutes are pretty much dedicated to convincing you that Amy is the hugest loser in the fucking world, and Megan is the hugest slut. They go to a party and Megan blows a dude so Amy can get in and blah blah blah why is nothing interesting happening yet? They also spend a ridiculous amount of time video-chatting on their phones.

Just because.

After all that party bullshit, Megan starts talking to a boy named Josh, whom she meets in a cam chat room. His camera is “busted,” so their chats end up pretty one-sided, with Megan only able to hear Josh, who is of course, a super shady creeper. He invites Megan to meet him behind a diner, and then she is never seen again. Alive, anyway.

Megan getting abducted by Josh.

Let’s ignore the stupidity of meeting someone in real life who you haven’t even known for more than a couple of days and let’s focus instead on where they meet up. Behind a diner. I wouldn’t meet up with my best friend behind a diner, because the area behind a diner is 1. a fucking creepy spot, and 2. a pretty fucking useless spot to meet up at unless you’re actually going to the diner.

But anyway. Amy is obviously concerned about her best friend, and lets the police know that Megan was talking to some dude named Josh online right before she went missing.

Josh gets pissed and cam chats with Amy, telling her to shut up or something bad will happen to her too. He also lets her know that he’s been watching her.

Instead of calling the police or cowering in fear, Amy makes this face:

And decides that hanging out under creepy traffic bridges, (that she also mentions are prone to flooding), is the right thing to do in this situation.

While filming her video diary under one of these scenic bridges, Josh abducts her, and once more, this film takes a turn for the retarded.

Josh just so happens to have access to a rape dungeon, (I’m serious), so that’s where he keeps Amy, and, as we come to find out, Megan as well.

Amy in the aforementioned rape dungeon.

Let’s talk about this for a second.

How many people do you know have a rape dungeon built into their basement?

And I’m not even talking about a rudimentary ‘dungeon’ cobbled together with some drywall and creative curtain placement; this guy’s dungeon has stone rooms built into it that lock from the outside and have shackles inside of them and everything. This couldn’t have been a summer project on this guy’s part; this is a fucking professional dungeon he has here. You’d have to hire contractors to get a dungeon of that quality.

But how the fuck do you explain this to a contractor? Take a moment and try to think about how you would convince a contractor to help you build a rape dungeon in your basement. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

But anyway. Josh locks Amy in his dungeon and makes her eat dog food.

He also rapes her, because, hey, why not.

After this ordeal, Josh decides that he’s had enough of torturing Amy and stuffs her into a barrel, along with Megan’s rotting corpse.

Which looks like this.

He seals the barrel up, drags it outside, and starts to dig.

And dig.

And dig.

And then he digs some more.

Josh digs for a good ten minutes straight, (let me repeat that for you, TEN MINUTES OF DIGGING), while Amy screams and pleads with him from inside the barrel. If that sounds at all scary or interesting in the slightest– trust me, it’s anything but.

Josh finally finishes digging his hole and tosses the barrel inside. He buries it and the movie ends as he stands over the now buried barrel; Amy’s cries just faintly audible.

Yay! What a happy ending. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Purportedly, this movie is supposed to make you think twice about meeting people online. But if you needed to watch a terrible movie to give you some common sense, then you’ve got bigger issues.

Time for a rant. Thursday, Aug 12 2010 

Hey. There are these books out— maybe you’ve heard of them?

I thought so.

 Were you aware that they’re being made into movies?

Yeah?

Well, then maybe you already knew that the last book, Breaking Dawn, is being adapted into two movies, instead of one.

And, maybe when you found that out, you flipped your shit.

"They're doing WHAAAT?!"

I know I did.
“Why?” You ask. “The last book is so complex and couldn’t POSSIBLY fit into one movie!”
(I hope you didn’t actually say that. For your sake.)
Anyway. Let’s get into why I think that’s bullshit.
Twilight
 
This is probably the worst book of the series, and we all know why. 300 pages of “Edward is soooo mysterious” does not an intriguing story make.
“But, Chey,” you laugh, “You still read it!”
WELL,  I ALMOST DIDN’T. If not for the fact that I was at my grandmother’s house, (and as with every old person’s house, there is usually jack shit to do), I would’ve put the book down right around page 200.
Thankfully, I read the whole thing and was rewarded with the most interesting scene in the book: Bella getting the shit kicked out of her.
And I’m not even saying that to be cute. I’m saying that because it’s the only thing that happened.
The movie follows the book closely enough, in that it’s boring, Bella gets the shit kicked out of her, and you feel nothing while watching it. It’s the total book experience, shortened to two hours!
New Moon
 
I enjoyed New Moon to an extent. While the whole part with the Volturi slowed things down, it was a better story, but it could’ve been even better if it was 1/4 shorter. At least.
 
Eclipse
 
My least favorite. This was the book that started switching to the POV of Jacob, (something that was carried on to Breaking Dawn), and there’s one little problem with that:
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT JACOB OR HIS WHINY WEREWOLF FRIENDS. I read Twilight to read about fucking Bella. No one else. (Which is why I’m not reading that stupid Second Life of Bree Whoever shit).
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The films thus far have been following the pattern of ‘turning long ass boring books into long ass boring movies.’
I was hoping that would all change with
Breaking Dawn, thankfully, has conflict and shit happening throughout the book, which would make for an interesting movie.
Except, you know, they’re dragging it out into TWO movies. All for money. Those fucking bastards.
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BTW— Next week’s blog post will be on Wednesday, not Thursday. Cuz I’m gonna be busy. DEAL WITH IT!!!