Batman vs. Superman Thoughts Sunday, Mar 27 2016 

I just saw Batman vs. Superman and HOLY BUTTCHEEK
I kinda really liked it!
I was prepared to hate it… To sit there in the theater and bask in the assness. But I found myself doing the complete opposite. I took notes throughout the whole movie, because they were so many IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING THAT I WANTED TO REMEMBER.
Now, I’ll say again… Spoilers abound. HUGE fuckin’ spoilers. So please turn away if you haven’t seen BvS yet. (Unless you don’t plan to, which is kind of a mistake).
~
Now, like I said, I was taking notes on my phone during the movie, and typos and autocorrect made them a bit of a mess.
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What I wrote: Why wrentvtheyvputv g the building sooner
What I meant: Why weren’t they out of the building sooner?
Near the beginning of the movie, we see Bruce Wayne calling some dude named Jack in one of his buildings in Metropolis. All the employees are there, just working away, while FUCKING SUPERMAN AND ZOD TEAR UP THE CITY MERE YARDS AWAY
Why are they still there?! Why have they not evacuated? Were they waiting for the okay from Wayne? What kind of slavish devotion is that? Fuck that shit.

What I wrote: Broke a car window but everyone is cool
What I meant: Broke a car window but everyone is cool
At one point during the flashback to Metropolis and the big fight between Superman and Zod, one of them does some sonic boom shit, which blows out the windows of a car, but doesn’t knock anyone over. Okay.

What I wrote: I ship Alfred and batman
What I meant: I ship Alfred and Batman
They were meant for each other! I really don’t understand why they don’t fuck.

What I wrote: I like pec lithos
What I meant: I like Lex Luthor
Lex Luthor definitely grew on me. From the trailers, I was like, “This shit is dumb.” I’m not a fan of Jesse Eisenberg, but you know what. I fucking liked Lex Luthor. I said it.

What I wrote: Rob costume is haunting
What I meant: Robin’s costume is haunting
Holy balls. I know we already saw it in the trailers, but it’s really something, isn’t it?

What I wrote: No security at this library
What I meant: No security at this library
Batman just waltzes downstairs and starts downloading files and shit without a problem. (Mercy does not count as a problem because she does fucking dick to stop him).

What I wrote: Why batman has the most ducked up dreams
What I meant: Why Batman has the most fucked up dreams
Batman’s dreams are a doozy! My reactions to them:
1. Flying up into the bats: Retarded
2. Bat monster coming out the grave: FUCKING TERRIFYING
3. Batman vs. Superman: Fucking weird. There was so much weird shit going on. The Super soldiers, Batman using a gun, THE WORLD IS A DESERT, Superman being a penis, THOSE FUCKING BAT DEMON THINGS and then…

What I wrote: THE FLASH
What I meant: THE FLASH
AND THEN THE FLASH APPEARS TO GIVE ME FUCKING CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS FLASHBACKS AND GOD THIS MOVIE
I will admit, it took me about halfway into this scene to realize who the Flash was. I was like, “Who the fuck– Is that Robin? Why does he look like an asshole? Who is this asshole?” And then I saw the lightning and it all came together and it was amazing.

What I wrote: Lo
What I meant: Lo
If I’m not mistaken, Superman calls Lois Lane, “Lo,” at one point, which is a cute and perfect nickname.

What I wrote: Big ass scar on batman D chest
What I meant: Big ass scar on Batman’s chest?
Batman’s got a big ass scar on the left side of his chest. I wanna know how it got there. It looks gnarly.

What I wrote: Wonder woman, flash, aqua man, cyborg
What I meant: Wonder Woman, Flash, Aquaman, Cyborg
I wrote this note when they first show the symbols in Lex’s files. I thought it was an Easter egg, so I was excite and feeling proud of myself…

What I wrote: Lemme see that super dong
What I meant: Lemme see that super dong
We see tons of naked General Zod, but zero super dong. That’s an issue.

What I wrote: KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER
What I meant: KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER
KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER! This scene was crazy but perfect.

What I wrote: Loud an led lol like brother and sister
What I meant: Lois and Lex look like brother and sister
They really do!

What I wrote: Wise words on god all powerful cannot be all good
What I meant: Wise words on god: Something all powerful can’t be all good, and something all good can’t be all powerful
I just really liked that sentiment. Very compelling, Lex!

What I wrote: Did lex intercept the chicks
What I meant: Did Lex intercept the checks?
This is kind of hilarious. This means that the money was never getting to wheelchair guy, but he was still telling people he worked for Bruce Wayne. Best of all, Bruce Wayne never even saw the rude messages on the checks until the umpteenth hour.

What I wrote: THOSEVPHOTOSOF HIS NOM THI
What I meant: THOSE PHOTOS OF HIS MOM THO
They went in on Superman’s mom! She’s an old fuckin’ lady! Have some respect! Those photos were frightening.

What I wrote: … How did lex find out who he is
What I meant: … How did Lex find out who he is?
How the fuck did Lex Luthor identify Superman? I mean, the obvious answer is that it’s mad obvious who he is; anybody could figure it out.
But if anybody could figure it out… Why hasn’t anyone until Lex? IT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE.

What I wrote: Aqua man looks retarded
What I meant: Aquaman looks retarded
Aquaman’s little video was awful. He should’ve just destroyed the camera real quick instead of acting like he was doing a fucking photo shoot just floating underwater like that.

What I wrote: FUCKIN CYBORG
What I meant: FUCKIN CYBORG
This shit was so cool! I’m so excite. These scenes would’ve made really awesome stingers, though.

What I wrote: why is nobody evacuating
What I meant: Why is nobody evacuating?!
Again, what’s up with these people and not wanting to go the fuck home while horrible shit is going down?! The employees of the Daily Planet keep peering out the window like, “Wow, the alien ship a few blocks away is really wigging out! Let’s keep working!” Fuuuuck that shit.

What I wrote: You’re not brace. Men are brave
What I meant: You’re not brave. Men are brave.
A nice bit of dialogue from Batman to Superman.

What I wrote: I’m not sure their friendship can come back from this
What I meant: I’m not sure their friendship can come back from this
Batman was really fucking Superman up. I really don’t think I could be friends with someone who beat me like that.

What I wrote: OUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME
What I meant: OUR MOMS HAVE THE SAME NAME
I swear I never realized this before.

What I wrote: Every time we say goodbye you die a little
What I meant: Every time we say goodbye you die a little
The henchman about to burn Martha Kent was saying this to her, (or something like this), before Batman burst in and interrupted. What the fuck did he mean? Was he just dropping some impromptu poetry on his captive audience?

What I wrote: Why just leaf that spear here
What I meant: Why just leave that spear there?
This pissed me off so much. WHY JUST LEAVE THAT SPEAR THERE IN THAT ABANDONED BUILDING. THAT’S NOT FUCKING SAFE, BATMAN, YOU DUMB FUCK.

What I wrote: Doomsday holy shit
What I meant: Doomsday holy shit
At this point of the movie, I had completely forgotten Doomsday was supposed to be in it. So that was a fun little surprise.

What I wrote: He looks like the troll from lotr
What I meant: He looks like the troll from LOTR
… Even if Doomsday looked the troll from the Lord of the Rings.

What I wrote: ROAST IT
What I meant: ROAST IT
When fighting Doomsday, the first thing Superman does is start punching him. If I was Superman, my very first move would be to break out the eye beams, but he doesn’t even try that until deep into the fight :/

What I wrote: Second form is cool
What I meant: Second form is cool
When Doomsday starts peeling off his skin and looks more like he does in the comics… That was pretty cool.

What I wrote: Batman is so human I love I
What I meant: Batman is so human I love it
Seeing Batman run around the final battlefield completely out of his element was pretty great. It’s nice to be reminded that he’s not really a ‘superhero.’ Or a, ‘metahuman.’ #Whatever.

What I wrote: WW kicking the most ass of anybody
What I meant: Wonder Woman is kicking the most ass of anybody
Wonder Woman kicked a lot of ass in that final battle! They really should’ve gave her the spear and let her handle shit. She was obviously capable.

What I wrote: IMPALED jfc
What I meant: IMPALED jfc
Superman really caught it! Ouch.

What I wrote: How excavator did they gaggle the two funerals
What I meant: How exactly did they manage two funerals?
I really want to know the logistics of Superman and Clark Kent’s funerals. He was buried in Kansas, but… The government was just cool with not having a body? Did they think he just dissolved? I dunno, man.

What I wrote: Thus birch has the pest hairdos
What I meant: This bitch has the worst hairdos
When not in her Wonder Woman outfit, Wonder Woman has some really awful hairdos. Diana Prince needs a new hairstylist.

What I wrote: Darks rid??
What I meant: Darkseid??
This movie is building up to Darkseid? Ignoring for a moment the fact that I think that character is ass, how many big blue/grey super powerful villains can we have in these damn superhero movies?

Complaints aside, I really freaking enjoyed this movie. It’s a great time to be alive.

P.S. Patrick Wilson played the President! (In a voice over role). I love Patrick Wilson!

Shitty Movies: Megan Is Missing Thursday, Jan 26 2012 

My sweet two month hiatus was very nice and I hope you all didn’t miss me too much. Now, onto the blog!

~

(Shitty Movies is a new series where I take a shitty movie that I’ve seen and break it down for you. This week, we have…)

Megan Is Missing

Megan Is Missing centers around two best friends: Megan and Amy.

Megan is the smiley one, and Amy is... The other one.

They’re 14 and 13 respectively at the beginning of the movie, which starts out slow. The first twenty minutes are pretty much dedicated to convincing you that Amy is the hugest loser in the fucking world, and Megan is the hugest slut. They go to a party and Megan blows a dude so Amy can get in and blah blah blah why is nothing interesting happening yet? They also spend a ridiculous amount of time video-chatting on their phones.

Just because.

After all that party bullshit, Megan starts talking to a boy named Josh, whom she meets in a cam chat room. His camera is “busted,” so their chats end up pretty one-sided, with Megan only able to hear Josh, who is of course, a super shady creeper. He invites Megan to meet him behind a diner, and then she is never seen again. Alive, anyway.

Megan getting abducted by Josh.

Let’s ignore the stupidity of meeting someone in real life who you haven’t even known for more than a couple of days and let’s focus instead on where they meet up. Behind a diner. I wouldn’t meet up with my best friend behind a diner, because the area behind a diner is 1. a fucking creepy spot, and 2. a pretty fucking useless spot to meet up at unless you’re actually going to the diner.

But anyway. Amy is obviously concerned about her best friend, and lets the police know that Megan was talking to some dude named Josh online right before she went missing.

Josh gets pissed and cam chats with Amy, telling her to shut up or something bad will happen to her too. He also lets her know that he’s been watching her.

Instead of calling the police or cowering in fear, Amy makes this face:

And decides that hanging out under creepy traffic bridges, (that she also mentions are prone to flooding), is the right thing to do in this situation.

While filming her video diary under one of these scenic bridges, Josh abducts her, and once more, this film takes a turn for the retarded.

Josh just so happens to have access to a rape dungeon, (I’m serious), so that’s where he keeps Amy, and, as we come to find out, Megan as well.

Amy in the aforementioned rape dungeon.

Let’s talk about this for a second.

How many people do you know have a rape dungeon built into their basement?

And I’m not even talking about a rudimentary ‘dungeon’ cobbled together with some drywall and creative curtain placement; this guy’s dungeon has stone rooms built into it that lock from the outside and have shackles inside of them and everything. This couldn’t have been a summer project on this guy’s part; this is a fucking professional dungeon he has here. You’d have to hire contractors to get a dungeon of that quality.

But how the fuck do you explain this to a contractor? Take a moment and try to think about how you would convince a contractor to help you build a rape dungeon in your basement. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

But anyway. Josh locks Amy in his dungeon and makes her eat dog food.

He also rapes her, because, hey, why not.

After this ordeal, Josh decides that he’s had enough of torturing Amy and stuffs her into a barrel, along with Megan’s rotting corpse.

Which looks like this.

He seals the barrel up, drags it outside, and starts to dig.

And dig.

And dig.

And then he digs some more.

Josh digs for a good ten minutes straight, (let me repeat that for you, TEN MINUTES OF DIGGING), while Amy screams and pleads with him from inside the barrel. If that sounds at all scary or interesting in the slightest– trust me, it’s anything but.

Josh finally finishes digging his hole and tosses the barrel inside. He buries it and the movie ends as he stands over the now buried barrel; Amy’s cries just faintly audible.

Yay! What a happy ending. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Purportedly, this movie is supposed to make you think twice about meeting people online. But if you needed to watch a terrible movie to give you some common sense, then you’ve got bigger issues.