For two weeks now I’ve been working as a part-time field promoter for various spas. My job entails the following three things:

– House to house distribution (Basically I leave coupons and shit in front of, [or inside of], people’s houses).

– Store to store distribution (I ask store owners if I can leave some coupons inside the store where customers will see it).

– Flyer distribution (I hand the coupons out to random people on the street).

The one that probably affects you, the average human being, the most, is house to house distribution. I work at the same time you work or go to school, so chances are you won’t be home to stop me from leaving you coupons for a  discounted massage or a free body wax.

What a deal.

However, if the thought of saving money on such luxuries turns your stomach, there are ways you can thwart me while away from home, and I’ve taken the time to list them for you below.

1. Purchase a ‘No Advertisements’ sign

Like this.

Before I worked as a field promoter, I used to shake my head and laugh at these signs. They were always ignored, and for good reason: it’s just a sign– not exactly the most threatening thing in the world.

No, that would be Semi Precious Weapons, according to Google Images.

But take notice, these signs do mean business. In fact, if I were to leave advertisements at a house with such a sign, they would have grounds to fine the companies I work for. Probably not for billions and billions of dollars, but you know, enough for to make them want to fire me.

2. Seal your door shut

The most common maneuver to leave coupons at people’s houses is to jam the coupon in the small space between the door and the door frame.

No door is safe.

Failing that, I will jam it in between the door and the floor. Most of the time, there’s plenty of room to shove some shit in there and keep it movin’ to the next house.

However, if you were to, let’s say, jam the bodies of dead cats into the crevices around the door, well I’d be shit out of luck and would probably just call the police.

3. Buy a gate

One of the worst parts of my job is having to open people’s gates to get to their porch, (which is where I have to leave the coupons). Most people’s gates are loud and creepy, and some of them are so confusing that I just end up skipping the house.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to surround your house with a fake gate that does not open. Use a tunnel that opens up into your backyard to get in and out of the house.