People ask me the following questions fairly often, and I can only guess it’s because they expect a thrilling response. However, life ain’t always that interesting. It’s a shame I get these questions so much, because I have PLENTY of good ass stories, like the time I accidentally pepper sprayed myself, or how I had the worst 15th birthday celebration ever.

But I am doomed to only answer the banal queries below:

1. “Why’d you become a vegetarian?”

What people are expecting: “I SAW A COW DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND WITH ITS LAST BREATH, IT BEGGED ME TO NEVER EAT MEAT AGAIN!” -rolls up sleeve to show PETA tattoo-

The real deal: I was 9 when I become a vegetarian, so, to be perfectly honest, I can barely remember why I became a vegetarian!

I know I first became really aware of what vegetarianism is that year, and the horror show of where our meat comes from. But I’ve been a vegetarian for so long now that I don’t even care anymore. I probably think about it as often as omnivores sit down and reflect on the fact that they eat meat. (Rarely).

So while I enjoy vegetarianism, and think it would be nice if there were more of us, I don’t really have a manifesto about it at the ready.

2. “How’d you know you were bisexual?”

What people are expecting: “I rolled up to an orgy expecting to only touch the penises but then I ended up touching a lot of vaginas too and it was pretty cool!”

The real deal: I think when people ask this question they are expecting a salacious story or a romantic one, but sadly for them, I have always known, ever since I was an itty bitty Chef, that my attraction to people doesn’t have much to do with their gender.

I always saw cute guys and ladies and was like “wow congrats on bein FINE.” Since itty bitty Chef didn’t know what the hell a bisexual was, (or a homosexual, for that matter), itty bitty Chef thought everyone was attracted to everyone, but you kept same sex attraction to yourself and only acted on opposite sex attraction.

Thankfully, Chef eventually got bigger and learned THAT’S BULLSHIT. Now Chef does what Chef wants.

3. “What’s your tattoo (of a key) mean?”

What people are expecting: “My dad was murdered by a key. The number of dots represent the age my dad was when he died and the black ink represents my soul dying too.”

The real deal: Well first off, my dad, thankfully, is alive and well.

I got my tattoo on my 22nd Birthday, which landed on Friday the 13th that year. (Hello tattoo deals!) I took a fun trip to Brooklyn to pick out a design from the multitude of pre-approved flash sheets with my friend Zdja, (who even paid for my tattoo as a birthday gift!)

So as much as I like to tell people it’s the “key to their heart,” (and die laughing at their reaction to such cheesy words), I just like the way my tattoo looks, and it reminds me of a rad day. It was also a decent way to get a feel for the process, (because I definitely want more!)