I Have Been Mistaken For a Cult Member (Twice) Monday, Mar 21 2022

If you know me, then you likely know I have a predilection for hats and the Legend of the Zelda. Sometimes I combine these loves by rocking hats emblazoned with the Hylian crest. 

I get complimented on these hats with some regularity, so I typically don’t think much of it, besides that maybe the person complimenting me is likely also a huge nerd. However, I have had a couple interactions now that have been decidedly different, which I would like to relate to you. 

The first incident took place in 2019, as I was wearing one of my Hylian crest hats and taking an Uber to an undisclosed location.* The Uber driver was Black, (I promise you, this couldn’t be more relevant to the story), and he mentioned that he liked my hat. I thanked him, and he replied with something unintelligible. 

I was like, “What?” He repeated himself about three more times, and I even leaned forward in my seat, trying to understand him, but his words weren’t any clearer to me. Finally, he relented. 

Driver: I’m sorry, that’s our greeting in this group that I’m a part of– from your hat, I thought you were in the group too.

Me: Oh, no, I just play a lot of video games, it’s a video game thing. 

A beat passed before I couldn’t resist any longer.

Me: So what’s the group?

The driver chose his words carefully, his demeanor cagey. “Oh, it’s a small group for the betterment of African-Americans. Trying to uplift each other and raise our status in society. Your hat looks a lot like some of our Egyptian iconography.”

I hopped on Google as soon as I got out of the car to see if I could find the group he was talking about. I didn’t have a ton to go on– a Black group that used Egyptian symbology and maybe had their own language…

But I immediately found a very likely candidate:

If that hasn’t already raised several alarm bells in your mind, let me inform you of a couple more fun facts:

– They have their own language called Nuwaupic (which is what the Uber driver was fucking speaking to me)

– Their leader Dwight York is serving 135 years in federal prison in what was reported as, “the largest prosecution for child molestation ever directed at a single person in the history of the United States.”

Maybe I’m naive, but even knowing that the cult was originally based in NYC, I did not expect this shit to happen to me again in 2022. 

This time, I was waiting for the light rail, wearing a Hylian crest hat, when another Black guy approached me. “I like your hat,” he began. 

Me: Thanks!

Secret Cult Member: Where did you get it? 

Me: Amazon?**

Secret Cult Member: Do you know where that’s from? (gestures to symbol on hat)

A wave of deja vu hit me. Oh boy.

Me: It’s from Zelda.

“Nah,” he responded, shaking his head. “That’s Egyptian. That is not from Zelda.”

“Hm,” I murmured noncommittally, checking to see if my train was coming anytime soon.

“That’s Egyptian,” he repeated as he walked off, disgusted. “That is not from Zelda.”

So that sums up my experiences thus far with the Nuwaubian Nation! Considering my geographic location, and the fact that I love Zelda, I foresee a few more of these interactions in the future.

In both of my dealings with the Nuwaubians, I felt a little bad admitting that I’m just a huge video game nerd, and that I’m not also trying to establish a New World Order, (or whatever it is they’re trying to do). 

I also feel like there’s an elephant in the room and it’s the fact that I’m not Black lmao. Apparently rocking the Hylian crest gets you enough cred to bypass this in the Nuwaubian community. (It’s possible they thought I was mixed, which, technically, they would be right lol). 

I feel like I can’t be the only Zelda fan this has happened to, but I haven’t found much mention of this phenomenon online. Admittedly, I imagine it would be localized to the NY metro area and Georgia, (where the cult established a compound that was later shut down by the Feds). 

Please let me know if you have also had any interactions with the Nuwaubian Nation, I would love to hear about it. I’ll also be updating this blog post if I run into another SCM.***

* I don’t remember where I was going. 

** Again, I can’t remember where I got the hat. I’m getting old. 

*** Secret Cult Member

One Response »

 

Questions About South Korea, From My Lovely Facebook Friends Friday, Aug 29 2014

While I was in South Korea this summer, I asked my Facebook friends to throw some questions about South Korea my way, and how shit goes down over there, (based on my observations).   

My Facebook friends delivered with some very insightful questions, and I’m going to answer them all to the best of my ability.

~

Belinda asked, “Food? How do I get my own personal kitty cafe? Weather?”

Answer(s): Regarding the food, it’s all generally pretty spicy. Even the stuff you don’t expect to be. I was pretty sick while I was over there with various stomach issues so I had to avoid a lot of the real spicy stuff, (a.k.a. everything). Luckily, there were a lot of American food chains around, with basically the same food they have stateside. We frequented Taco Bell and Hooters the most. Baskin Robbins and Dunkin Donuts, too. 

As for your own personal kitty cafe, Belinda, that’s probably going to have to wait until you get your own place. Acquire 5+ cats, and voila! Your own personal kitty cafe!

Lastly, South Korea has weather very similar to say, New Jersey. We both have real seasons and a variety of weather to keep us on our toes. While I was in South Korea, it was a little rainy the first two days, and then super duper hot the rest of our time there. Africa hot. HOT.

Amberlyn asked, “Have you seen any weird things like cursed dolls? Have you heard any urban legends?”

Answer(s): Regarding the cursed dolls question, these… things… are about as close as I got:

They were just chilling on a bench in the middle of a market in Hongdae. Creepy. 

I didn’t really hear any urban legends while I was there, but I do know of one South Korean urban legend that I think is pretty weird. Apparently, a lot of people in South Korea think that if you sleep with a fan on in your room, you’ll die because the fan will suck out all the breathable air, or cause hypothermia, (or both in what I assume is a worst case scenario). They call it Fan Death. It probably seems pretty silly to us, but they even sell fans in South Korea with adjustable timers so that they won’t run all night and kill you.

Chelsea asked, “Where does Lee Min Ho live, and what are his weaknesses?”

Answer(s): I’m sorry to report that while my grandmother and I were very dedicated to finding the answers to these questions, we came up empty handed. At one point we were chatting with the staff in our hotel about him, (two girls who were also ardent fans of Lee Min Ho). My grandmother joked, “I don’t even see Lee Min Ho on any ads around here! What do I have to do to see him?” 

One of the girls leaned over her computer and started typing away, turning her monitor to us after a few seconds. She had done a Naver image search of Lee Min Ho and pulled up a bunch of pictures of him. That was basically about as close as we got.

Jessie asked, “I would like to know how many non-Korean people you’ve seen. Also, how attractive is the general population? Like should I move to South Korea now or just stick to watching k-pop videos? Also, do Koreans view cat cafes and the Hello Kitty cafe as weird tourist traps, or is it normal to them? And one more thing. Can you try some orange juice and give it a full critique?”

Answer(s): I didn’t see very many non-Korean people. At any point my family and I could be on the subway or on the street and be the only non-Korean people there.

This led to lots and lots of stares from all the Korean people we saw. Mean-mugging. Glaring. Trying to bore holes into you using the power of their gaze. I don’t know how else to describe it. People looked you up and down, regardless of whether you noticed or whether they were driving and about to crash. If you stared back they would eventually stop but it took them a good minute. 

The only time I ever saw a good amount of foreigners was when we were at the palaces. Those are huge tourist attractions, so they got a good mix of people. I made the mistake of mentioning Cambodia in a conversation with my grandmother while we were at Changdeokgung, (second biggest palace), and a group of Korean girls started pointing at us and going, “Cambodia,” while nodding, as if they had been trying to figure out where we were from. 

Luckily, however, the general population is pretty easy on the eyes. The good part about all the staring was that I got to have a pretty nice amount of eye flirtations with cute boys on the subway.

Regarding the cat cafes and Hello Kitty cafes, when we went, my family and I were the only foreigners inside. Upon returning to the hotel after the cafes, I showed pictures to the girls at the front desk.

Me: Look! We went to the Hello Kitty cafe!

Bonnie: (one of the front desk girls): Oh wow! It’s so cute! I should go some day!

Me: Yeah! We went to a cat cafe too! (shows pictures)

Bonnie: (gapes at the photo) Are those cats… real?

Me: Yeah, of course they are!

Bonnie: (still shocked) Do you have those in America?

I was pretty surprised to learn that Bonnie had never been to a Hello Kitty cafe or a cat cafe. But as the week went on I started to suspect that Bonnie had never been anywhere, because she seemed to treat every experience I told her about with the same wide-eyed wonder as the last. When she mentioned to me that she only got 4 days off a year, it all kind of made sense. 

And last but not least… 

ORANGE JUICE REPORT

I had orange juice frequently in the hotel, and it was nothing to write home about. Orangey, a little watery, probably made from concentrate. I did, however, also try a tangerine slushie with tangerines from Jeju Island and that was pretty good. Overly sweet, like I find most tangerine juice products to be, but tasty nevertheless.

~

And that about wraps things up! Thanks to my friends for the questions! I hope these answers satisfy you!

One Response »

 

That One Time I Gave Myself Chemical Burns Trying to Remove the Hair From my Body Thursday, Sep 5 2013

So, even though

we are all, at times, compelled to remove hair from our collective bodies. Whether you’re trimming an unsightly and/or unruly beard, or trying to tame the wild hair that covers your arms in a sweater-like fashion, you are not alone in this practice.

You’re also not alone if you like to wallow in your body hair, convinced that, if it wasn’t meant to be there, GOD WOULDN’T HAVE PUT IT THERE.

I tend to lean towards that side, but a few weeks ago, I too was compelled to rip every single hair out of my legs. And by compelled, I mean, my dad was like, “Hey Bigfoot, we’re in the razor aisle, want to get on that shit?” (I might be paraphrasing).

By “shit,” he meant “razors.”

“Enh,” I replied. I honestly hadn’t touched my leg hair in like a year, (MAYBE MORE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!), and while the hair wasn’t as impressive as I had thought it would get, (I was expecting, like, a majestic mane to run my fingers through and it was really more like a patchy one centimeter mess), I still didn’t miss bending over in my dark shower and cutting myself for like an hour while the hot water ran out.

I told my dad as much and he was like, “Why not get Veet or something like that?”

This. This is Veet.

Veet is a cream that you put on your body, and, after a few minutes, scrape away. During the aforementioned minutes, some crazy science shit goes down that makes the hair fall out. Quick, relatively simple, and, (supposedly), painless. I had tried it when I was younger and I seemed to recall it working pretty well.

So it was settled.

*

Later that night, I prepared for my shower and grabbed the Veet, slathering it on my legs. The bottle said to leave it on for ten minutes, or like twelve if you had some seriously heinous hair issues.

I finished the first leg, even though I couldn’t help but wonder if I was putting on too much or too little. Besides that, things appeared to be fine. Until I started on my other leg.

As soon as I applied the cream, I knew there was something wrong. The burning sensation in my leg was a pretty big hint, but I was already this far into it– I couldn’t have one hairless leg! I WOULD LOOK FOOLISH! So I persisted. And the burning got worse.

It felt a lot like how this looks.

I did my best to ignore it. I’m a toughie. But I couldn’t help the nonstop fantasies of tearing away my red, charred flesh as I tried to scrape the hair off. Finally, I gave in and began to scrape the cream away, praying that I wouldn’t end up in the emergency room.

AND GUESS WHAT

The hair didn’t even come off! (Well, some of it did, but not all of it). I endured that burning for nothing! And the cream left a weird icky residue that felt like somebody rubbed smashed roaches all over my legs. Total bust. Fuck you, Veet. Fuck you.

Also now I have a big bottle of Veet and no idea what to do with it.

One Response »

 

Work-Out Journal Monday, Jun 17 2013

I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. I’ve started working out!

Now, if you’re picturing something like this,

 

STOP, because I am in awful shape right now and would die if I tried some shit like that.

But anyway, I do want to get some regular exercise in because that stuff is important, you know? Also, I need to bulk up if I’m ever going to become a professional wrestler.

Look at this guy. I look nothing like that.

So, because I can’t step out the door without having an adventure, I figured I’d chronicle my path to greatness here on this blog for you all to enjoy.

Day 1

I checked the weather the day before, and next to a big ass picture of a sun were the numbers, ’84.’ 84 flippin’ degrees. Just great.

GREAT FOR DYING.

But I figured, hey, the hotter the better. I’ll sweat away the laziness. I headed over to a big ass steep hill a few blocks away from my house. I started sweating just walking over there, which didn’t bode well.

I jogged up and down the massive hill three times, and then walked for another six blocks or so to the bank, (to get some banking done).  On my way back from the bank, I felt a few drops of rain, which of course turned into a fucking twenty-minute monsoon, most of which I spent huddled inside of a bodega, sheepishly avoiding eye contact with the guy at the counter.

I’d say this is a pretty accurate image of what it looked like outside.

After the rain finally let up, I ran my ass home. I had wanted to trek up the hill a few more times, but I didn’t want to get caught in the rain again.

When I got home, my dad welcomed me by asking, “Why don’t you just run on the treadmill?”

WHAT A FOOL HE IS. The treadmill is really scary. Running on it makes me feel like it’s gonna fall through the floor any second. Who needs that?

Secret death trap.

Leave a Response »

 

THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388 Thursday, May 17 2012

I remember the frenzy that people were sent into when Pottermore first went live and you had to jump through a series of hoops involving having to insert all seven Harry Potter books up your butt and then see which page wouldn’t fit and enter that on the site or something like that.

A lot of people had to stop and go to the hospital around book five.

I remember thinking it was all very cute, and that perhaps I might join one day when you didn’t have to circle every fifth letter of each odd numbered book and unscramble it to make the Latin words for ‘YOU HAVE NO LIFE,’ and enter that into the site and pray for an invitation.

~

That day came like two weeks ago when I was bored and decided to type ‘pottermore’ into my search bar and begin a magical journey.

THUS BEGAN… THE ADVENTURES OF KEYCASTLE1388.

This is me. I don’t have any house points because fuck my house. Also I am a cat.

~

Day 1

The majority of Pottermore is unbearably boring. You wait a few minutes for an interactive picture to load and then you can click around and find treasures such as:

‘Send as gift,’ so that your friends can hate you.

As you can tell, I’m using the word ‘treasure’ very, very loosely. You can also discover some shit that J.K. Rowling wrote exclusively for Pottermore, and enjoy that. And by ‘enjoy,’ I of course mean ‘ignore.’

Eventually I got to do some interesting stuff, like buy shit and get a wand.

Which looks suspiciously like a turd.

I was sorted into a house eventually too. Gryffindor. Poking around the common room, I found that directly underneath the big ‘Gryffindor house,’ there was smaller text, that read: Bravery & Chivalry.

Would it have killed them to capitalize the ‘h’ in ‘house’? IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE.

That’s right, one of my house’s main tenets is sexism. GREAT.

Day 2

After that… Alarming discovery, I ignored Pottermore for like two weeks. But my friends were talking about it so I decided to hop back into the thick of things and start pottermore-ing it up.

I gained three new friends and discovered that you could give them nicknames, which is convenient for when I can’t be bothered to try and remember who the fuck ‘ShinyAirBubble666’ is. I somehow resisted the urge to give all my friends really ridiculous nicknames and just settled for their actual names.

I also found out that you get house points, although I’m not sure how. I briefly considered whoring myself out to other users for points, (and I don’t mean begging, I mean literally whoring). I figured it would definitely spice things up on this site clearly meant for children…

… Yeah, or not. I guess I’ll have to get points the old-fashioned way.

Whatever that is.

One Response »

 

Getting Pierced the Fuck Up– A Long Story. Sunday, Nov 13 2011

About three hours ago, I got an industrial piercing. For those of you not in the know, an industrial piercing looks like this:

As you may have deduced, an industrial piercing is actually two piercings, with a bar jammed into them. I don’t know what exactly compelled me to want the piercing, besides the fact that I just thought it looked good. That’s enough for me, really.

Now, onto the actual experience, which I just know you all will find extremely riveting.

~

I walked into the tattoo shop behind a woman who I had just watched toss her cigarette out the window.

She's lucky this guy wasn't there to witness that.

“Can I help you?” She asked.

“She’s here to get a piercing,” my father explained, who had accompanied me for the express reason of filming the entire thing and hoping I would cry and throw a big fit.

I knew I certainly wasn’t going to cry, (I’m not a bitch), but I was concerned that at some point I might, you know, get something in my eye and it might flood with eye juices and tear up and stuff like that.

“What kind of piercing do you want?” The woman asked.

“An industrial,” I answered.

She nodded. “Which ear?”

“My right,” I said.

She frowned. “Well, which side do you sleep on?”

“My left,” I lied. “That’s why I chose my right.” In reality, I chose my right ear because I plan to get a tattoo of some sort on the left side of my body, and I’m all about odd symmetry. Also, I prefer to hold my phone up to my left ear.

She nodded. “Okay, which piece do you like?” She asked, holding up a cushion with various barbells stabbed into it. I selected a black barbell, with points at the end.

Kiiiiind of like this, but black.

The woman nodded. “Black titanium. You’re the first to select this type,” she explained, loosening the jewelery from its cushion. I was on the verge of asking why no one else had ever chosen that type, (like, did it cause herpes or something?), but before I knew it, I was whisked off to a black chair.

No one likes herpes, after all.

My dad laughed from his perch ten feet away. “You look tight,” he teased.

“Whatever,” I replied.

The woman turned around to face me. “When was the last time you ate?” She asked.

“Uh… Like three hours ago,” I replied, beginning to feel hungry now that she had brought it up. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you know, if you’re feeling nervous–”

“I’m not gonna throw up,” I interjected with a laugh, seeing where she was heading. “I’m not that nervous. More like excited,” I finished.

“Okay,” she said, brandishing a medieval looking pair of scissors. “Lie on your side.”

“Those don’t even look sharp,” I thought to myself worriedly as the woman scrubbed at my ear and marked the incision points. “Holy shit.”

“The first one’s gonna hurt more than the second,” the woman began. “Because of all the cartilage.”

I nodded. “Alright!”

“Deep breath,” she suggested, stabbing the scissors into my ear.

I shut my eyes tight. My ear began to ache and throb incessantly, but it wasn’t insanely painful.She slid the barbell through the hole and I gasped.

“Woah,” I said, laughing. “What a weird feeling…” Because it was a weird feeling. Like getting a metal bar shoved through a fresh wound in your ear.

“Here we go,” she said, readying the scissors for the next piercing.I shut my eyes and–

“Fuck!” I exclaimed as she stabbed my ear. The second piercing had gone much quicker, but hurt like a motherfucker; way more than the first.

“All done,” the woman said, screwing the ball onto the barbell.

I sat up, surveying my ear in the mirror. It was super red and super sore, but the piercing itself looked pretty good.

~

Three hours later, my ear still hurts, but I love my piercing. I can switch the barbell in two weeks, and I’m already eyeing some new ones:

This one kind of reminds me of a dildo.

This one, too.

But one barbell tops them all…

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!

Leave a Response »

 

Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain (Pt. 2) Thursday, Apr 28 2011

Ariel tells Kain to go after Azimuth, the Guardian of the Pillar of Dimension, next. She’s currently ruling the theocracy of Avernus– so Kain goes over there, ready to get his murder on.

Azimuth. Could you imagine someone like the Pope in a get-up like this?!

Once he gets there, he discovers even more Hylden swarming about. All the townspeople have been killed by the monsters, and the remaining few are assumedly in dire straits.

Kain makes his way to the cathedral Azimuth lives in, and finds a creepy tome alluding to a cult based around the worship of the god Hash’ak’gik. The passage also alludes that there’s been some ritual human sacrifice to the god going on.

Because, really, who doesn't love ritual human sacrifice?

In the next room, however, Kain finds it… The Soul Reaver! It’s a super powerful sword of sexiness that forcefully seperates it’s victims souls from their bodies… And consumes it. It has other nifty features as well, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

After some more exploring, Kain finally stumbles upon Azimuth and finds that she was summoning the Hylden, along with Anarcrothe. He kills her and finds a Time-Streaming Device among her possessions. (I know, I know; “WTF IS A ‘TIME-STREAMING DEVICE’?” Kain doesn’t know either. You’ll find out in due time).

 Upon returning to Ariel for further counsel, Ariel tells Kain that he must stop The Nemesis next. The Nemesis is the army of William the Just, who apparently became corrupted by power and decided to stop being ‘Just’, and start an empire. Now The Nemesis is moving across Nosgoth, getting their conquer on.

Kain however, being just one vampire, is skeptical as to how he alone is supposed to stop an entire army. But Ariel has a solution: Kain will go to Willendorf, and convince King Ottmar to militarize against the oncoming Nemesis. So Kain goes to do that, but there’s one problem– the King is utterly distraught by his daughter’s sudden coma.

Yup, looks pretty distraught to me.

 

Apparently, the King held a contest for his daughter’s birthday: whoever made her the best doll for her would get a royal favor. The winner is Elzevir, the dollmaker, (which makes sense I guess). All he wants is a lock of the princess’ hair, and, (because no one finds this creepy at all), he gets it. Soon after, the princess entered her coma.

Seriously? You'd trust a guy who looked like that?

One does not have to be a genius to infer that Elzevir probably has something to do with the princess’ condition, and the army is scattered around looking for him. Kain figures things will go faster if he goes to kick the dollmaker’s ass himself, so he does. It turns out that Elzevir had trapped the princess’ soul in the doll– the King’s sorcerors are able to use it to return the princess’ soul to her.

Kain asks Ottmar to call back his troops so they can march against the Nemesis. Otmmar does so, but there’s one problem– they lose. Horribly. Everybody’s dead, and, at a loss, Kain uses the Time-Streaming Device, hoping that it’ll do something useful.

*

Kain finds himself on the same battlefield he once stood on, but without all the dead bodies and stuff. He’s gone fifty years into the past, and Moebius, Guardian of the Pillar of Time, is just a few yards away, rallying a crowd to rise agains the vampires, (which there are very few of left to begin with). 

Moebius, sexiest Guardian of The Circle, no doubt.

Kain decides to go after William the Just and kill him, so he can’t become the Nemesis in the future. Once he arrives at William’s castle, however, he comes upon an odd scene. William and Moebius are talking to each other, and Moebius tells William that a vampire, (Kain), is going to attack him. He also gives William a weapon to defend himself with. Kain storms in and finds that the weapon Moebius gave William is the Soul Reaver!

But you still have your Soul Reaver, as well. The thing about the Soul Reaver is, it exists outside of the time. That’s how sexy it is. It also allows for and can cause paradoxes in the timeline. It is the only object able to do so.

Even with the Soul Reaver, William is no match for Kain.

Here's a cute stained glass window illustrating the event.

However, William’s guards see Kain kill him. Kain thinks nothing of this and goes to the next room, where he finds another, very-conviently placed Time-Streaming Device. He uses it and is sent fifty years into the future– back to the original timeline, except, no Nemesis!

But something is awry. Kain smells vampire blood and finds that the source of it is an execution– of Vorador! Moebius looks on as Vorador is beheaded, and then fingers Kain as being the last vampire remaining. In the fifty years since William’s murder by a vampire, (Kain), Moebius has managed to convince the humans to exterminate every vampire in existence, and they’ve been pretty successful.

Posing as the Oracle; leaving the Time-Streaming Devices in Kain’ path; giving William the Soul Reaver– Moebius has been manipulating Kain from the very beginning, just so this outcome could be reached. Upon realizing all of this, Kain finds that he is not amused and beheads Moebius with his sword.

Kain returns to the Pillars and sees Mortanius and Anarcrothe, the remaining guardians, arguing. Mortanius understands that all the guardians must die so that the corruption can be flushed out– so he kills Anarcrothe. Kain then reveals himself and kills Mortanius. Yay! Mission accomplished. All the Guardians are dead… Or are they?

As soon as Kain turns his back, Mortanius rises again, possessed by the Hylden Lord. He is the one who originally killed Ariel, causing the corruption in the first place.

Plus he's quite evil looking.

 

Kain kills him too, and Ariel comes to Kain with a choice. As it turns out, Kain is the new Guardian of the Pillar of Balance. He has been since his birth, because Ariel died at the same time. However, since he’s been a Guardian all this time, he has been corrupted all this time, just like the other Guardians.

His choice is this: die, and allow Nosgoth to become balanced again, or continue living and let Nosgoth fall into further decay.

Now, I don’t know if you noticed– but Kain kills a lot, and he only does things because people order him around to. To tell the truth, Kain really doesn’t give two shits about Nosgoth– he’s the last of his race and he’s been manipulated long enough. He chooses to continue living, and the game ends with him choosing the decaying Pillars as his new throne.

Leave a Response »

 

This is why we can’t have nice things. Wednesday, Apr 20 2011

So for once I had a blog post ready early. I just had to make a few minor changes…

And that’s when the trouble began. For some reason, this dumb website keeps messing with my pictures and PUTTING THEM IN THE WRONG PLACES.

It’s immensely frustrating, and it ruins the post, of course. I’ll wait a bit to see if this is resolved, and I’ll make another blog post to make up for this one if the picture thing starts working again.

If not, I might consider going to a new blogging site. Cuz this is some shit.

Leave a Response »

 

Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain (Pt. 1) Wednesday, Apr 20 2011

Before the game actually begins, some events occur:

 

– Ariel, the guardian of the Pillar of Balance, is murdered. Her lover, Nupraptor, (also guardian of the Pillar of the Mind), thus goes crazy. His insanity affects the Pillars of Balance and the Mind, (which then poison Nosgoth), and all the Pillars began to break down. This break in the Pillars also allows the Hylden passage into Nosgoth; (the Pillars normally act like a lock, keeping the Hylden away). Not good.

 

Broken pillar :(

 – A scene from long ago is shown, which depicts the ancient vampire Vorador killing Sarafan priests. The protector of the Sarafan, Malek, shows up too late to save them, and is punished by Mortanius, the Guardian of the Pillar of Death. Mortanius melds Malek’s soul to his armor, ensuring that he will serve the Sarafan forever.

Poor guy.

And then, the events of the actual game begin!

Our main character, Kain, is murdered by some thugs and is brought back to life as a vampire by Mortanius.

He can do that cuz he's a necromancer, duh.

Kain quickly realizes his newfound vampirism is a curse, and he wants to a cure– NOW!

He goes to the Pillars and comes across the ghost of Ariel, who tells him there is no cure for his condition; only release. She suggests he can gain peace by curing Nosgoth, which can be achieved by killing the current, corrupted Guardians of the Pillars.

How could you not trust someone who looks like that?

Kain agrees to carry out this duty and Ariel leaves him with the warning, “Beware the Unspoken;” whatever that means!

Kain sets off to kill Nupraptor first. However, Kain is unable to kill Malek, protector of the Circle, who was with him. So Kain goes to the Oracle for advice. After rambling about ‘King Ottomar’ and the ‘Nemesis’, (whatever those could be!), the Oracle tells Kain to visit Vorador and ask him for advice, seeing how he fought Malek all those years ago.

So Kain goes to Vorador’s mansion.

Vorador is one of those dill vampires who likes to say things like, “This is our gift! We are gods! Remember the good old days when vampires used to just kill whoever they wanted?”

He's a bit of a dick, basically.

Kain holds Vorador in contempt, but is intrigued. Vorador offers Kain a ring that will summon him at will. With this in hand, Kain sets off to continue his systematic muder of the Circle of Nine. (The Guardians of the Pillars).

As Kain nears a tower where some of the Circle are hiding out, he encounters several strange monsters. It’s the Hylden! Oh noes! He kills them.

Here's a picture of Kain, btw, in case you were wondering wtf he looked like.

 Once inside the tower, Kain finds three guardians– DeJoule, Bane, and Anarcrothe. With them is Malek. Kain calls upon Vorador to take care of Malek, and Kain kills the remaining guardians, save Anarcrothe, who escapes.

Five guardians down, (Ariel, Nupraptor, Malek, DeJoule, and Bane), four to go!

Leave a Response »

 

Intro to the Legacy of Kain Videogames Wednesday, Apr 13 2011

For starters, I’m aware that there was no post last week. Were you aware that I had no internet? Hmph.

~

I looove videogames, okay? Even the mediocre ones.

But not the ass ones.

A series of exceptionally good games are the Legacy of Kain games. They involve…

Vampires...

Time travel...

One cool-ass sword...

And whatever the fuck that is.

The games take place in the fictional land of Nosgoth. These are the Pillars of Nogoth:

Sexy, no?

They stretch to the heavens and keep Nosgoth healthy. If someone took an axe to them, a minus wave would spread across the land, and, basically, BAD SHIT WOULD GO DOWN.

To prevent shit like that, each Pillar has a Guardian. The Guardian becomes spritually and mentally linked to their Pillar, and they… You know… Guard it.

Now for some Nosgoth-ian history! Take notes; THERE WILL BE A TEST BITCHES.

(I’m lying).

But anyway, waay back in the day, there were three groups:

• The Sarafan
• The Vampires
• The Hylden

The Sarafan were human priests, who really, really hated the vampires because they thought they were EVIL. The Sarafan hunted a bunch of vampires down and killed them all. A few managed to go into hiding.

The Vampires are exactly that, vampires.

The Hylden are mysterious beings/demon-like things not native to Nosgoth. They’re from another dimension, and they manage to enter Nosgoth through rips in the time-space cloth, basically. Whenever BAD SHIT GOES DOWN, they’re usually around, making things worse.

Because theyre assholes.

That concludes Nosgoth History 101. Return next time to find out the events that go down in the orgasmic first game!

(Just smile and pretend like you care, please).

Leave a Response »