Not So Great Things Thursday, Nov 10 2011

I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures of Cthulhu lately, as semi-research for a story of mine.

To refresh your memory, (or let you know for the first time), Cthulhu is a monster created by H.P. Lovecraft, acclaimed science fiction/strange fiction writer. Cthulhu crashed to Earth from another galaxy in Earth’s antiquity and now lies sleeping underwater in the ancient city of R’yleh.

There’s lots of great art of the terrifying, amphibious monster that is Cthulhu…

And there’s also a lot of not so great art.

~

To be clear, let’s go over what Cthulhu is supposed to look like, as outlined in H. P. Lovecraft’s, ‘The Call of Cthulhu.’

1. He’s got a, “pulpy, tentacled head;” reminiscent of an octopus.
2. His body is “scaly.”
3. He has, “rudimentary wings;” here meaning, not large enough to fly with.
4. All in all, he looks sort of like, “an octopus… dragon.. human caricature.”
5. HE’S FUCKING HUGE. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE. If nothing else, one should at least remember that.
6. Also, lots of people like to make him green. Who knows why.

Here’s an example of an acceptable Cthulhu representation:

And now, here are some examples that are unacceptable:

Well, now. It’s hard to tell what the fuck is even going on here. It’s like… A brain… Attached to a stick… Attached to the body of a skinned ape? Something tells me this not what Lovecraft envisioned.

Also, why is it just strolling through what looks to be the projects?

Cthulhu, you've really let yourself go...

Ignoring the monster’s morbid obesity for a moment…

WHY DOES IT HAVE NIPPLES.

WHY.

Ignore Cthulhu for a moment and direct your attention to everything else going on this picture.

A wizard, (?), the sky falling and opening up, some big ass cliff in the middle of nowhere, and, is that a crown on Cthulhu’s head..? Listen up, artists: it’s a problem when you draw a picture of Cthulhu and he’s not the craziest thing going on in the picture.

(Also, his man boobs are bothering me).

The next two pictures display some common issues with Cthulhu representations.

  

Many of Lovecraft’s monsters make people go insane when they look upon them. In trying to replicate that effect, (not in full, hopefully), these two artists have created monstrosities that can’t even be comprehended. If you saw it in real life, you wouldn’t be scared– you’d be confused as fuck. And that’s not that scary.

Except maybe in Math class.

Here are some more crappy Cthulhu pictures to give you nightmares:

"Um, we said, 'draw Cthulhu,' not a fucking dragon."

Purple Cthulhu loves the ladies...

This is, at the very least, scary in it's own way...

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2 Dream Jobs That I Will Never Get Because of the Internet Friday, Oct 21 2011

(Doesn’t this blog title just roll off the tongue?) /sarcasm/

~

1. Writer for a video game magazine

I am obsessed with video games. Creating my own, playing others, reading about them, thinking about them, talking with others about the industry as a whole… And also, I’m fairly okay at writing. So what’s the problem?

Also I don't look like this.

When I was younger, my parents had a subscription to Electronic Gaming Monthly. It was the best magazine ever, and we all devoured it every month.

That is, until EGM went out of business.*

And then, other magazines started going out of business too. You’ve probably noticed some of your favorite periodicals shutting down too. It’s practically an epidemic at this point– and I hope I don’t have to explain the cause to you. Because you’re literally looking it in the face.

Yes, with blogs and online articles and all that good shit, no one really needs to buy magazines anymore. Yes, magazines are awesome, but you can probably find the same information in them online, at multiple sites, and probably more quickly too.

So, while I would be awesome at it… There’s not much market for it.

*EGM actually managed to overcome its economic issues and is continuing to print issues. Don’t expect that to last too long, though…

2. Sex toy store employee, (or even owner or manager!)

The picture above is of Babeland, one of the recent, more legit sex toy shops to crop up in the last decade or so. I know, when most people think of sex toy shops, they think of something scuzzy looking, like this:

But thankfully, some very nice ladies who were into sex toys and feminism and helping chicks explore their sexuality decided to open some cool stores. I’m hip! I love talking about sex toys and sex in general, and educating people about it. Trust me, I’d be a shoo-in for the job. I had this book when I was four:

I’ve been training for this for pretty much my whole life.

But, again, there is the internet to consider… And dillish people.

First off, there are only four Babeland stores in existence. Three of them are in New York. Many states actually have laws against the selling and purchasing of sex toys, BECAUSE THOSE STATES ARE RUN BY FUCKING ASSHOLES.

I'm looking at you, Alabama.

So there’s that. But, perhaps even the most obvious reason is…

People generally don’t want to be seen walking into a sex toy shop. Or be seen buying a sex toy. Or be seen walking home with a sex toy. Or be seen using a sex toy. (Okay, that last one is understandable).

So of course, most people will turn to the internet for their needs. Meaning, unless I start sucking tons of dick at Babeland, or Early2Bed, (which won’t work because they’re all run by chicks), then I’m screwed.

~

But it’s not all gloom and doom. Fortunately, there are many other career paths I can take, and even many jobs that the internet has made possible.

I just can’t think of any.

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Why ‘Interview With the Vampire’ was the Most Influential Story From my Childhood Thursday, Mar 24 2011

When I was little, we had a storeroom in the back of the house, and it had a box filled with my mom’s old books. Piers Anthony, Amy Tan… And Anne Rice.

My copy looks just like this, except a little more beat-up.

I was nine when I first read Interview With the Vampire, and subsequent re-readings have made me wonder if I really understood everything I was reading back then.

It got gayer while I wasn't looking.

But then I realized…

My life is pretty much based around this book. How so? Well, I don’t know if you noticed… But sometimes I write shit.

To be fair, a lot of this stuff overlaps.

When you combine the ‘Vampires’ part of the pie with the ‘Love’ part of the pie, (since I like writing about gay vampires in love), you’ll see that a large amount of the pie chart wouldn’t be possible without Interview.

Because guess who else liked writing about gay vampires.

“But Chey,” you begin, “I thought you said your life was based around this book! You just mentioned how it related to you writing!”

And to that I say, MY WRITING IS MY LIFE.

 

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Resolutions for the New Year. Saturday, Jan 1 2011

1. Write better, (perhaps longer), stories.
2. Start drawing again.
3. Spend more time in my room letting my creative juices flow.
4. Go to sleep earlier.
5. Have more patience with myself.
6. Balance out my apparent split personalities.
7. Keep staying true to myself.

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a little story. Wednesday, Nov 10 2010

While sitting in the office of my guidance counselor, and hooking up my admission forms, I got stuck on a question.

The following conversation ensued:

Me: … What should I put for ‘special talents’?

-silence-

Me: Like, what are my special talents?

Mme Andrea: I don’t know! You tell me.

-long uncomfortable silence-

Me: I don’t know.

Mme Andrea: What do you do in your spare time? What are you good at?

Me: … I can write. That’s about it.

Mme Andrea: Okay, what do you write about?

Me: Cr- crazy stuff, -nervous laugh-

(It is important to note that at this point, I could think of no story other than ‘issues’).

Mme Andrea: Like..?

Me: Like… Incest…

-short pause-

Me: And– and rape…

Mme Andrea: Alright let’s not emphasize that.

<3

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NaNoWriMo! Wednesday, Oct 27 2010

November is a big month for me this year.

– My birthday is on the 13th :)

– Thanksgiving! Cooking+Eating= Very happy Cheyanne!

– I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, (National Novel Writing Month).

That’s right, bitches… I’m writing a novel :D

I’ve gotta get 50,000 words down by the end of November! AGH. So I won’t be reading any of it over. Idk if I’ll post it on Facebook… Or even reach the neccesary word count xD

What the novel will be about:

– It’ll be a re-worked version of an older, unfinished story

– Vampires are involved :D

Really sexy vampires :)

Unsexy vampire :(

– The writing/story will be totally flowery and indulgent so that I’ll be extra motivated to write…

-My grades this month will most likely suffer lmao! OH FUCKIN’ WELL.

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