OCTOBER BOOK FEST Monday, Sep 8 2014

I, like many others, don’t have much time to read nowadays, but this year I made a resolution to read at least 12 books. I’m not doing great with it, but the resolution has motivated me to read way more than I would have normally. Here’s the list of what I’ve read so far:

1. A Lion’s Tale by Chris Jericho
2. Undisputed: How to Become World Champion in 1,372 Easy Steps by Chris Jericho
3. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
4. The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker
5. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

There’s so many great books out there, and so little time, and now October will soon be upon us, bringing with it three new books I totally want to read.

1. The Best in the World: At What I Have No Idea by Chris Jericho (October 14th, 2014)

As you can probably tell from the list above, I really dig Chris Jericho’s memoirs. For those of you not in the know, Chris Jericho is a professional wrestler, and an all around magnet for crazy situations. Here’s a tiny sampling:

• Being robbed at gunpoint in Mexico
• Getting into a fistfight with THIS guy:

• Tripping and falling into THIS guy’s arms:

And like I said, that’s just a tiny sampling of the entertaining randomness Chris Jericho often finds himself caught up in. His books are breezy reads and hilarious. He also doesn’t beat around the bush and is very honest about the behind the scenes going-ons at WWE. I’m very much looking forward to devouring his next piece.

2. Prince Lestat by Anne Rice (October 28th, 2014)

-screams for ten complete minutes-

I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS IS A THING THAT IS HAPPENING and I probably won’t really believe it until I get to hold a copy in my grimy little hands. I’ve always loved The Vampire Chronicles, and the idea of a new one, eleven years after what was supposed to be the conclusion, excites me to no end, even though I have a really, really dirty secret:

I’ve never actually finished The Vampire Chronicles.

I KNOW, I KNOW. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I’ve tried plenty of times! I’ve read Interview With the Vampire probably around ten times, (and it’s PHENOMENAL every time), but then I move on to The Vampire Lestat, and… I can’t finish it. It’s so freaking sad that I literally cannot bear it. Really. It bums me the fuck out and I always set it down in the same spot. I’VE TRIED THREE TIMES, NOW.

When I first heard about Prince Lestat in August of this year, I really wanted to try and burn through the chronicles to see if I could finish them in time for Prince Lestat, but I must’ve been smoking crack when I thought up that idea because it’s crazy talk. Still. I definitely need to finish this series already. Anne Rice is already planning a sequel to Prince Lestat, so maybe that can be my new deadline. 

3. As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales From the Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes (October 14th, 2014)

As anyone else who has seen The Princess Bride, I flipping love it. It’s a fantastic movie, and an even better book. (Seriously. The book is amazing). My favorite edition of the book is the 30th Anniversary edition, which includes a lengthy introduction by William Goldman, in which he expounds upon the making of The Princess Bride movie. I always recommend this edition to friends, who without fail, always whine, “Do I have to read the introduction?” 

Okay, I kinda get it. The intro’s like 20 pages long alone. But it’s ALSO ONE OF THE BEST PARTS OF THE BOOK. 

Because of my fervent love of that introduction, I can only hope that As You Wish… will deliver more awesome behind the scene stories. And even if it’s just a retread, or not all that great, it’s still a book about the making of The Princess Bride. I mean, when you’re buying books like this,

you’re probably willing to give anything a try. (That book is actually pretty decent)!

~

So there you have it! The October books I’m most excited for… I better not die before I get to read them!

Are you excited for any October releases? Have any of these piqued your interest?  

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Typical Classroom Assholes Friday, Oct 4 2013

Every classroom has at least one asshole in it, but there are probably several. Some assholes are insidious– you never quite figure out that they’re an asshole, because they keep it to themselves during class, and then go home and set their family on fire and shit like that.

That would be an assholish thing to do, right?

But some classroom assholes are easy to spot. These assholes seem to think it is their job to make it known to the world that they are an annoying asshole; as if they get paid every time someone fantasizes about ripping out their eyeballs and shoving them down their throat. While these people are horrible human beings, they can also be easily categorized. Here are two of my least favorite classroom assholes.

1. The Story Teller

It can be nice to hear from your classmates every once in awhile. Odds are your teacher speaks in a soul crushing monotone, or at least it sounds that way to your boredom-numbed mind.

“You call it Calculus, I call it nap time.”

However, there is one classmate whose open mouth signals an oncoming nightmare. This classmate is the Storyteller, and for every sentence your teacher gets out, the Storyteller has a long, ass, boring story that they just HAVE to share with everyone.

The Storyteller at work:

Teacher: In conclusion, 2+2=4.

Storyteller: That’s just like this one time my family and I were going on a road trip to Ohio; we were gonna go to Washington but then we found out how bad the weather was gonna be that week, so we settled on Ohio, instead. It was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother. My other brother was going to come but he died of cancer the week before. Lung cancer. He was in the hospital for like a year before he finally passed on. But anyway, we were going to Ohio to spread his ashes. Which I thought was kind of gross because why do people even do that? Just spread ashes everywhere? It doesn’t make any sense to me but it said in his will that he wanted us to do that. I think I read about that sort of thing in a book one time. Like why people spread their ashes. But I don’t remember what else the book was about or what it said about it. So we went to Ohio and my mom and dad sat in the front, and my brother and I sat in the back, just like the equation!

Everyone else in the classroom: SHUT THE FUCK UP

2. The “What If”-er

The What-If-er is the Storyteller’s equally assholish cousin. Instead of telling stupid stories no one wants to hear, the What If-er asks the most asinine questions that have no bearing on anybody’s life ever, dooming the teacher to blankly stare at them and try their best not to curse them out for asking such a stupid fucking question. The What If-er’s motto is, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” except whoever first said that wasn’t thinking of the What If-er’s. Because they are assholes.

The What If-er at work:

Teacher: In conclusion, 2+2=4.

What If-er: But what if 2 really equaled 6 all this time and nobody knew because a few ancient texts got translated wrong?

“I’m not paid enough to put up with your bullshit.”

Keep an eye out for these assholes in one of your next classes!

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An Ode to Wrestling Thursday, Sep 26 2013

You probably have a cursory knowledge of wrestling. Like if I held a gun to your head and asked you to name three professional wrestlers, you could probably do it.

I have faith in you.

But could you tell me why wrestling is the best thing ever? Why you should devote your life to it and abandon everything else you hold dear? If not, don’t worry. I’m about to give you a primer on why watching wrestling should be your new favorite hobby.

(This primer is very WWE-centric).

1. IT IS CHOCK FULL OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE

Maybe it’s unfair, but you generally don’t get to be a famous wrestler if you’re ugly.

But sometimes it happens anyway.

And even the ones that aren’t all that great looking in the face generally have rockin’ bods.

Exhibit A

And don’t worry, there’s plenty of fine looking chicks, too.

Exhibit B

So even if you have no idea what the hell is going on, it’ll still be aesthetically pleasing.

2. SOAP-OPERATIC STORYLINES

But if you DO know what’s going on, your enjoyment of the product will shoot up into the sky, past space, and into some alien’s goddamn lap. Everyone knows wrestling storylines can get pretty crazy, and hella complicated.

For instance, a storyline that recently pulled at my heartstrings was the breakup of Team Rhodes Scholars, a tag team who had been competing together on and off for about a year.

They finally broke up at the Money in the Bank pay per view, when Damian Sandow, (the guy on the left), betrayed Cody Rhodes, (the other guy), by stealing a win from him in one of the most important matches of the night, where they were battling over a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship.

You, the unassuming non-wrestling fan, might have been like, “Oh, that’s messed up. He stole his win.”

Me, the wrestling fan, THE TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS FAN, who had watched them go from

to trying to beat the shit out of each other, was heartbroken. Absolutely devastated for the rest of the week night. But having only watched wrestling since April, you may be wondering how I was able to form such a connection. Well…

3a. WRESTLING IS REALLY, REALLY GAY

Like really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, gay.

But still not quite as gay as gay porn.

This really surprised me when I first started watching wrestling because I always thought of it as really macho and assumed the main audience was young, heterosexual men… But then I started really watching wrestling and

it just gets gayer and gayer

the more I watch.

3b. TAG TEAMS ARE READY MADE FOR SHIPPING 

Rated RKO.

To add onto the gayness, tag teams, a constant in wrestling since 1901, (says Wikipedia), are basically just gay couples who happen to fight together against other gay couples.

When they’re not fighting, they’re either being adorable,

or being SUPER ADORABLE.

“Alright, Chey, I’m not into this gay shit,” you may be saying, if you were dropped on your head as a baby. “Is there anything else that’s good about wrestling?”

Luckily for you, there is.

4. COOL MOVES

One of the reasons wrestling is looked down on is because they’re not really beating each other up,* as opposed to sports like MMA or boxing. But since wrestling is more about entertainment than trying to kill each other, there’s more space for moves like this:

All of that shit looks really cool, and you can enjoy it without the crippling guilt of wondering whether one of those guys will be able to walk tomorrow.

~

So, in conclusion, get off your ass and go start watching some wrestling right now or YOU WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF

*BUT wrestling is still one of the easiest ways to fuck yourself up forever. While the wrestlers try their best not to injure themselves and each other, injuries do occur, and ridiculous amounts of pain are par for the course. All you have to do is hear wrestlers and doctors describe getting slammed on the mat as enduring a “mini car-crash,” and you’ll understand why many wrestlers over the years have struggled with crippling drug and alcohol addictions.

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Searching… Thursday, Sep 19 2013

Something that’s always interested me about tracking the statistics of websites, (YEAH, RIVETING STUFF), is getting to look at the search terms people put into various search engines that eventually lead them to your site. The reason why they interest me, well, I’ve decided to list a few of the more ‘interesting’ search terms that lead people to this blog below. Investigate for yourself.

‘megan is missing barrel of death’

‘dracula gay fuck’

‘industrial piercing fuck you’

‘purple vibrator dog-shape’

‘does the industrial piercing hurt if you twirl baton’

‘rape dungeon contractor’

‘a hobo eating shit’

‘shit shaped dildo’

‘herpes feet’

‘neanderthal erection’

Yeah.

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How To Make My Job Harder Thursday, Feb 9 2012

For two weeks now I’ve been working as a part-time field promoter for various spas. My job entails the following three things:

– House to house distribution (Basically I leave coupons and shit in front of, [or inside of], people’s houses).

– Store to store distribution (I ask store owners if I can leave some coupons inside the store where customers will see it).

– Flyer distribution (I hand the coupons out to random people on the street).

The one that probably affects you, the average human being, the most, is house to house distribution. I work at the same time you work or go to school, so chances are you won’t be home to stop me from leaving you coupons for a  discounted massage or a free body wax.

What a deal.

However, if the thought of saving money on such luxuries turns your stomach, there are ways you can thwart me while away from home, and I’ve taken the time to list them for you below.

1. Purchase a ‘No Advertisements’ sign

Like this.

Before I worked as a field promoter, I used to shake my head and laugh at these signs. They were always ignored, and for good reason: it’s just a sign– not exactly the most threatening thing in the world.

No, that would be Semi Precious Weapons, according to Google Images.

But take notice, these signs do mean business. In fact, if I were to leave advertisements at a house with such a sign, they would have grounds to fine the companies I work for. Probably not for billions and billions of dollars, but you know, enough for to make them want to fire me.

2. Seal your door shut

The most common maneuver to leave coupons at people’s houses is to jam the coupon in the small space between the door and the door frame.

No door is safe.

Failing that, I will jam it in between the door and the floor. Most of the time, there’s plenty of room to shove some shit in there and keep it movin’ to the next house.

However, if you were to, let’s say, jam the bodies of dead cats into the crevices around the door, well I’d be shit out of luck and would probably just call the police.

3. Buy a gate

One of the worst parts of my job is having to open people’s gates to get to their porch, (which is where I have to leave the coupons). Most people’s gates are loud and creepy, and some of them are so confusing that I just end up skipping the house.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to surround your house with a fake gate that does not open. Use a tunnel that opens up into your backyard to get in and out of the house.

 

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The Dark Side of Industrial Piercings Thursday, Feb 2 2012

One of my last few posts before my hiatus detailed my experience getting an industrial piercing in my right ear. For the most part, it wasn’t so bad. The piercing itself was painful for about two days, and then the pain went away and I was left with a really cool looking piercing that would need some upkeep, but would supposedly bother me no more.

Lies.

Here are a few things you should know if you’re considering getting an industrial piercing. No one told me these things, because, I don’t know, everyone else who has one is an asshole who doesn’t like sharing information with the world like I do.

1. They Take For-Fucking-Ever to Heal

Alright, I’ll admit, I had already known that the industrial piercing took longer than most other piercings to heal. ‘But whatever,’ I thought, ‘I can deal with a longer healing time. It’s in my ear, so it’s no biggie.’

Actually, it’s a huge fucking biggie. Every time I go to clean the damn thing, (which I have to do three times a day), there’s some new crusty mixture of blood and shit that I assume was never meant to see the light of day.

Nope, it's not pie crust, (unfortunately).

The piercing itself also likes to get stuck in the funk, so I can’t even play with the piercing and twirl it around like a baton, which I would like to be able to. For reasons.

Look at how much fun she's having!

2. Everything Will Try To Infect It

When I first got my piercing, I had some vague knowledge of infections. I knew you probably shouldn’t rub dirt on the piercing or let people tongue-fuck it or whatever, but apparently there is a wide range of things trying to poison your piercing and make your ear fall off.

• Hair
• Glasses
• Phones
• Pillowcases
• Fucking anything your ear comes in the slightest contact with

The important thing to remember here is that, with the industrial piercing, you’ve got two relatively large, (for things that have been stabbed through your ear), open wounds that are just chilling and taking their sweet, sweet time to heal.

And it’s important to keep that in mind, because, as soon as you get the piercing…

3. It Will Create It’s Own Gravitational Pull

Like this, I guess.

Okay, not really. It’s just a piercing, not a small bar-shaped planet.

But I swear to God, ever since I got my industrial, everyone and their mother is trying to touch it.

Whether they’re patting me on the head, smashing their ear against mine as we hug, trying to run their fingers through my hair, putting my glasses on me, it all ends in excruciating pain. I’ve grown quite accustom to ducking and screaming, “My ear! My ear!” Before anyone even gets within a foot of the piercing. Because like I said, they’re open wounds. If I shot you in the stomach and then tried to jam my finger in there, you’d be less than pleased about it too.

Now, does all this mean that industrial piercings suck ass and you should never get one? Of course not. They’re fucking awesome. Just keep the above information in mind. There are enough surprises in life.

P.S. And if you like tucking your hair behind your ear, you can kiss that goodbye, too!

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2 Dream Jobs That I Will Never Get Because of the Internet Friday, Oct 21 2011

(Doesn’t this blog title just roll off the tongue?) /sarcasm/

~

1. Writer for a video game magazine

I am obsessed with video games. Creating my own, playing others, reading about them, thinking about them, talking with others about the industry as a whole… And also, I’m fairly okay at writing. So what’s the problem?

Also I don't look like this.

When I was younger, my parents had a subscription to Electronic Gaming Monthly. It was the best magazine ever, and we all devoured it every month.

That is, until EGM went out of business.*

And then, other magazines started going out of business too. You’ve probably noticed some of your favorite periodicals shutting down too. It’s practically an epidemic at this point– and I hope I don’t have to explain the cause to you. Because you’re literally looking it in the face.

Yes, with blogs and online articles and all that good shit, no one really needs to buy magazines anymore. Yes, magazines are awesome, but you can probably find the same information in them online, at multiple sites, and probably more quickly too.

So, while I would be awesome at it… There’s not much market for it.

*EGM actually managed to overcome its economic issues and is continuing to print issues. Don’t expect that to last too long, though…

2. Sex toy store employee, (or even owner or manager!)

The picture above is of Babeland, one of the recent, more legit sex toy shops to crop up in the last decade or so. I know, when most people think of sex toy shops, they think of something scuzzy looking, like this:

But thankfully, some very nice ladies who were into sex toys and feminism and helping chicks explore their sexuality decided to open some cool stores. I’m hip! I love talking about sex toys and sex in general, and educating people about it. Trust me, I’d be a shoo-in for the job. I had this book when I was four:

I’ve been training for this for pretty much my whole life.

But, again, there is the internet to consider… And dillish people.

First off, there are only four Babeland stores in existence. Three of them are in New York. Many states actually have laws against the selling and purchasing of sex toys, BECAUSE THOSE STATES ARE RUN BY FUCKING ASSHOLES.

I'm looking at you, Alabama.

So there’s that. But, perhaps even the most obvious reason is…

People generally don’t want to be seen walking into a sex toy shop. Or be seen buying a sex toy. Or be seen walking home with a sex toy. Or be seen using a sex toy. (Okay, that last one is understandable).

So of course, most people will turn to the internet for their needs. Meaning, unless I start sucking tons of dick at Babeland, or Early2Bed, (which won’t work because they’re all run by chicks), then I’m screwed.

~

But it’s not all gloom and doom. Fortunately, there are many other career paths I can take, and even many jobs that the internet has made possible.

I just can’t think of any.

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4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys Saturday, Oct 15 2011

WARNING: This is an “adult” blog post, meaning adult topics are tackled and adult pictures are shown.

I’m not saying you have to be an adult to look at ‘em, but make sure that no one who will judge you is looking over your shoulder.

Enjoy.

~

I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but guys, I really love looking at sex toys. Scrolling through pages of them. For hours. Just looking into the whole new world that is dildos, vibrators, cockrings, etc… I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?

Now, you may not know this, but when you sift through twenty hundred pages of sex toys, you’re gonna come across some shitty ones. Lots of shitty ones. Things that you don’t want anywhere near your genitals.

But there’s also a lot of ridiculous ones. Things that are more hilarious than hideously awful.

This blog post is dedicated to four of them.

Presenting, in no paticular order…

4 Ridiculously Sucky Sex Toys

4. The Gossip Ring

So, basically, this is a rose shaped cockring. I don’t know why you’d wanna make a cockring shaped like anything other than a ring, but, you know, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Oh, wait.

“This stretchy, adorable ring, (along with its removable mini vibrator), provides delightful vibration… and nobody will be the wiser when you wear it out on the town.”

Oh, yeah. Totally inconspicous.

The makers of this toy apparently expect you to go out and wear this shit, (because you apparently have an issue where you need access to a vibrator at all times); which has two big ass buttons that you won’t be able to explain without saying, “Yeah, that’s the off switch and the other one is the on switch. So I can make it vibrate. For my pleasure.”

At which point whoever you’re talking to will make this face:

And if they don’t, then they’re probably making this face:

Who the fuck draws these faces?

And I can’t decide which would be worse.

3. him Cream: Leather Scented*

Juuuust great.

This lube was created for gay men, who are apparently really into the scent of leather. Mmm, cow skin. That just screams sex. him Cream also makes an unscented lube, which I guess they started making when they realized how stupid their first idea was.

(Also, lube should never, ever, be referred to as ‘cream’. Ew).

*Yes, lube is not a sex toy, but sex toys and lube just go together, like peanut butter and jelly. (You are now forever cursed to think of sex toys and lube every time you bite into a PB & J. Mmmm).

2. Sex-A-Peel Vibrator and Forbidden Fruit

There is nothing sexy about this.

As you have surely surmised, it’s a vibrator. Shaped like a banana. Because everyone looks at fruit and thinks, ‘Yes. I need that all up in genitalia right the fuck now.’

But maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. After all, the Sex-A-Peel Vibrator is, (surprisingly), not the only fruit shaped vibrator.

The Forbidden Fruit vibrator.

Alright, I’ll be honest. I could see the appeal of a banana shaped vibrator. It’s at least vaguely phallic. But this shit is apple shaped. A fucking little vibrating ball that will be in no way comfortable when you try to use it the way it was intended to be used.

1. Nipple Nibblers**

No, 'luscious melon' is not the only flavor it comes in.

“Want to make your nipples extra-tasty? Dab on some of this tingly fruit-flavored balm, and you’ll have to tear your sweetie away!” Right. Because nipples are so horrid and disgusting that you have to rub a fucking balm on them that’ll make them sticky and probably taste like medicine to make them more bearable in someone’s mouth.

The product explanation goes on to say, “Cute, tiny, and discreet– no one needs to know that it isn’t lip balm!”

Except for the fact that, you know, IT SAYS ‘NIPPLE NIBBLERS’ ON IT AND HAS A FUCKING NAKED LADY ON THE TUBE. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling?

** Yeah, this is also not a sex toy, but I can’t imagine someone using it outside of the bedroom. (And I don’t want to, either).

Get it together, sex toy industry. I’ve got my eye on you. Stop making shit like this.

~

And as a side announcement, the blog is yet again going live! Check back every Thursday for super cool weekly updates.

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Three Things I Learned While Living With an Englishman Wednesday, Mar 16 2011

For about a year, we, (as in my family), lived with Nick, the titular Englishman. Here’s a picture of him.

He's so sweet.

Anyway, living with dirty foreigners can, at times, be enlightening. Here’s some things I picked up.

1. Imitating Accents is Very Obnoxious

Oh my Lord. I never really thought about this before meeting Nick, because I was never very good at faking accents anyway. But after seeing how the kids he taught soccer to constantly made him audience to their best Harry Potter imitations, I revised my way of thinking.

(He didn’t even hit any of them! I was impressed.)

2. Christmas Crackers are the Best Thing in the World

No...

 

FUCK YES.

 

Christmas crackers are these amazing… Things… That you rip apart with someone, (like a wishbone), and a prize pops out.

They're usually shitty.

However, they also come with jokes and a paper crown. So there’s that.

3. People From the Motherland, (As I affectionately refer to it), Drink. A lot.

 

Was I worried, when, one day, I found the fridge surprisingly filled to the brim with beer?

Obviously this is not my fridge because Nick doesn't drink any of that swill.

No.

I was however, worried, when the fridge stood like that for the next year or so.

~

Phew, that wasn’t so bad, was it? I’m gonna be ballsy and say, ta-da, my blog is back on track with your weekly Thursday updates. Suggestions on shit to blog about would be helpful.

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NaNoWriMo! Wednesday, Oct 27 2010

November is a big month for me this year.

– My birthday is on the 13th :)

– Thanksgiving! Cooking+Eating= Very happy Cheyanne!

– I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, (National Novel Writing Month).

That’s right, bitches… I’m writing a novel :D

I’ve gotta get 50,000 words down by the end of November! AGH. So I won’t be reading any of it over. Idk if I’ll post it on Facebook… Or even reach the neccesary word count xD

What the novel will be about:

– It’ll be a re-worked version of an older, unfinished story

– Vampires are involved :D

Really sexy vampires :)

Unsexy vampire :(

– The writing/story will be totally flowery and indulgent so that I’ll be extra motivated to write…

-My grades this month will most likely suffer lmao! OH FUCKIN’ WELL.

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